


I Can't Believe I Forgot Your Name

by t_hoe_s



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: (oh my god they were roommates), Academy Era, Alcohol, Angst, Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Demisexual Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, James T. Kirk Has PTSD, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Sexual Content, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary James T. Kirk, POV James T. Kirk, POV Leonard "Bones" McCoy, PTSD flashbacks, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Pining, Sick James T. Kirk, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, and they were ROOMMATES, but everybody gets a happy ending; I promise!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23737246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t_hoe_s/pseuds/t_hoe_s
Summary: Leonard McCoy has made a habit of keeping people at arm's length. It's just easier that way; if you never get too attached, it doesn't hurt so bad when people inevitably leave you.Jim Kirk has spent his life learning to play the game. Say just the right thing and smile at just the right time, and most people will never notice you buried your heart years ago, somewhere even you can't find it.Yet, for some reason, these two find themselves drawn to each other. Call it what you want: fate, chemistry, mutual stupidity. Whatever it is, these two have been brought together at just the right time and in just the right place that maybe, just maybe, they can help each other heal.
Relationships: George Samuel Kirk & James T. Kirk, James T. Kirk & Christopher Pike, James T. Kirk & Winona Kirk, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Minor James T. Kirk/Others
Comments: 65
Kudos: 115





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from "The Sound" by the 1975. Listen, I'm gay and repressed, just like these fuckos, I apologize for nothing lol
> 
> Credit to my friend Q both for inspiring this fic, and for helping me with bits of it when I got stuck! Also shout out to my roommate and best friend for beta reading for me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bones gets through a rough first day at the Academy, only to get home and find out that human-golden-retriever Jim Kirk is his assigned roommate. Bones is (of course) grumpy about this, but he finds he can't stay grumpy for long when in the company of such a ball of sunshine.

“McCoy, Leonard H.”

Leonard stepped forward as his name was called and took the access card he was handed. “Room 371, bed A.”

“Thank you,” Leonard mumbled, already walking toward the front door of the dorm building. The shuttle flight here had been harrowing despite the bourbon he’d had on him to settle his nerves. That blonde kid— what was his name again?— had talked his ear off the entire way, and he’d barely been able to politely pretend to listen with his adrenal glands jumping into overdrive every time the shuttle bumped or swayed. Then he’d had to endure hours of presentations, tours, and orientations, before they even started handing out room assignments. At shortly after 2 pm, it had already been one of the longest Saturdays of Leonard’s life, and after his residency, that was saying something. There was nothing Leonard wanted to do more now than settle into his room and take a damn nap. Well… That wasn’t _strictly_ true. He’d rather be back home with his Joanna, but that wasn’t exactly on the list of available options at the moment. He gritted his teeth against the pang he felt in his chest at that thought, and stepped inside the building.

The elevator ride to the third floor was smooth and, thankfully, short. Leonard was grateful they’d roomed him on a lower level— this building was taller than any he’d ever seen before today, and he didn’t fancy having too many of those shuttles zooming past his window. He’d rather not be reminded of his probable future on a Federation Starship at all.

The elevator dinged lightly and announced his arrival on floor three in a gentle feminine voice as the doors slid open. Leonard stepped out and glanced up and down the hallway for a moment, reading room numbers. They seemed to increase going down the hall to his right, he realized, so he adjusted the weight of his small duffel bag on his shoulder and started walking. Room 371 wasn’t too far down the hall, and he stopped in front of it after only a moment of searching. He fished the access card for the door out of his pocket and held it against the reader. The door slid open with a hiss, and Leonard stepped inside.

The door let into a small entrance way with privacy glass on the opposite side, leading Leonard further into the room to his right. Once he rounded the edge of the clouded glass, he paused a moment to take in the room. There were two beds, arranged side by side with headboards against the long side of the room to his left. A square window was set into the wall above each bed. Opposite them were two desks and two small closets, with a doorway between them that Leonard assumed led to a bathroom. The wall opposite him was bare save for another square window in the middle, set at the same height as the ones above the beds. It wasn’t a large room, but it was certainly bigger than his dorm rooms at university and medical school had been, although he should have expected that from Starfleet. And a private bathroom! Leonard had been expecting a communal washroom and toilets like a traditional dorm building. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all, Leonard thought with a small grin.

His tiny bubble of optimism was almost immediately shattered. As he started to take another step into the room, he tripped over something, cursing as he nearly fell flat on his face, recovering his balance at the last second. Looking down, there was a pair of beat-up, rather dirty boots lying at his feet. _Good God_. Leonard took a deep breath to keep from launching into a tirade about people whose mothers had apparently never taught them to put their things away.

“Hey!! Uh…. Bones, right? From the shuttle!”

Leonard looked up. The voice had come from the bed beside the glass— bed A, _his_ bed— where a messy blonde head and smiling blue eyes peeked out at him over the top of a book. _God DAMMIT._ Well, at least he’d kicked off his boots. Leonard sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, scowling even deeper than usual.

The blonde kid’s face split into a crooked grin as he set the book aside on the nightstand between the two beds. He chuckled a bit and shook his head, “I’m so sorry, I don’t remember your name.”

“McCoy,” Leonard growled, tossing his duffel bag to the floor. “You’re sitting on my bed.”

“Oh, shit, am I?” Blondie got off of it and laughed again, running one hand through his hair sheepishly. “I thought because I was here first I’d get to pick, I shoulda known Starfleet would wanna assign them— guess I should’ve paid better attention. Sorry about that.”

Leonard just grumbled in response. He moved his bag from the floor to the desk, kicked off his own boots under his bed, and collapsed onto it, covering his eyes with one arm.

“So, you’re not gonna help me out with that first name, huh? C’mon, I bet you don’t remember mine either,” Blondie’s voice came from right above him, like he was leaning over the bed.

“No, I’m not. I’m gonna take a nap.”

“Boo, you’re no fun, Bones,” Blondie teased, settling onto his own bed.

“Yep.”

\-------

When Leonard woke, he was alone again. The setting sun streamed red light through the window on the west side of the room. Damn. How long had he been out? His stomach growled as he sat up and rubbed at his bleary eyes. He glanced up at Blondie’s side of the room. His jacket was slung across the back of his desk chair, his bed rumpled and with the pillow at the foot of the bed. There was a book lying open, face down, across it: _The Odyssey._ He’d dropped his bag on the floor of his closet, with books, clothing, and the like strewn all around it. There was now a poster hung on the previously empty wall under the window: an Orion woman in a bikini posing with a motorcycle. Leonard sighed and ran his hands through his sleep-matted hair. He felt bad about how he’d snapped at the kid earlier. After all, it wasn’t his fault Leonard was in a rotten mood. In fact, the kid was the only person who’d been at all nice to him that day. His stomach growled again. Guess it was time to figure out where they kept the cafeteria in this place.

After washing his face and pulling a comb through his hair, Leonard rummaged through his few belongings for some clean clothing. Between residency and all the late nights lately spent trying to distract himself from his own self-hatred, Leonard had the routine of freshening up after sleeping in his clothes down to a science. He had just found a clean shirt when the door hissed open. The kid, it seemed, had managed not to get himself killed in the last few hours left to himself. Leonard had had his doubts after hearing Blondie’s story of last night’s bar fight; he was certain Blondie had been a little loose in his telling of taking out four other guys himself, and he’d seen the cuts and bruises. He was a doctor, not an idiot. 

"Vuurf avvk!” Blondie said around a mouthful of noodles as he rounded the privacy glass, stopping when he spotted Leonard standing half dressed in front of his closet.

"What?"

He swallowed loudly and tried again. "You're awake! I got dinner. You want one?" 

Leonard pulled his t-shirt over his head and tugged it down to cover his stomach as Blondie approached. He eyed the biofoam cup Blondie offered him, not taking it. Either unable to take a hint or refusing to, the kid eventually pushed the cup against Leonard’s chest and held it there like he was trying to get it to stick, looking up at Leonard with that half-cocked grin of his. Finally, Leonard took it to break the tension building between them, turning it to see the label.

"Dear God, is this instant ramen?"

“Mmhmffv." With his other hand free again, Blondie had taken another massive bite from his own cup.

"Don't talk with your mouth full, were you raised in a barn? Where did you even get this? I can’t believe Starfleet would give this to cadets— do you have any idea how much sodium is in this?" 

"Mmm-fff— EYYy!"

Leonard had snatched the cup Blondie was inhaling noodles from, holding both it and the unopened one away from the kid. He squinted at the nutrition label on the lid of the unopened one; broth backsplash from Blondie’s atrocious slurping had made the biodegradable paper of the other lid disintegrate past all hope of deciphering. "Not to mention that this has nowhere near enough nutrients for a person of your size and musculature."

Blondie blinked at him with a surprised look on his face for only a moment, then recovered his usual cheeky smile. "They got me through high school. Four nights a week, no problem." 

Well, that was just sad. Leonard dropped the cups disdainfully into the recycler to cries of protest from Blondie, then gently but firmly grabbed the kid by the arm. "Thank me later. You're gonna take me to the mess, now."

Leonard snuck a glance at the numbered plate outside the door as he led the kid back out into the hall. He was hoping there’d be a name card— he couldn’t call the kid ‘Blondie’ forever. No such luck, though; just the number 371 written in standard Earth numerals, then again in braille underneath them. There seemed to be slots for name cards… maybe they’d add them later.

But the kid didn’t miss a damn thing; Blondie took advantage of Leonard’s moment of distraction to break free from his loose grip and take off running down the hall. What the hell? Where was he even going? Leonard swore under his breath and took off after him.

Leonard finally caught up with the kid on the first floor, after chasing him down the two flights of stairs and up and down the length of the building. Blondie had stopped outside one of the many doors lining this hall. Leonard bent forward, grasping his knees as he fought to catch his breath. “Are you * _huff*_ done?”

“Yeah, we’re here.” The damn kid wasn’t even winded. God, Leonard was more out of shape than he thought.

Leonard straightened and glanced past Blondie at the plate to the right of the double doors:

**MESS HALL**

Blondie laughed. “What, you didn’t think I was running away from _you_ , did you? You needed some exercise, old man,” Blondie firmly tapped his stomach with the back of his hand, then put one arm around his shoulders and grasped his upper arm with the other, tugging him through the door. “C’mon, Bones.”

The doors slid open and Leonard blinked against the blinding white light that suddenly assaulted his retinas, in stark contrast to the warm, homey glow of the corridor. Once his eyes adjusted, (which was quickly— every medical lab in the known galaxy seemed to have the same lighting, and Leonard and had spent more than a little time in those,) he could see Blondie guiding him to one of the many tables filling the large room. He tried to steer Leonard into a seat, but Leonard wasn’t having it. He gently shook himself loose of Blondie’s hold on him and grabbed a chair, pushing it smoothly against the back of Blondie’s knees until he was sitting tucked up against the table. “Oh no, I saw what you grabbed when left to your own devices; _I’ll_ get the food. Stay put.” Leonard resisted the temptation to ruffle the kid’s hair as he left. Leonard wasn’t even sure he liked the guy; why did his stupid brain want him to do something so familiar?

Leonard shook it off as he walked towards the food service stations, chalking it up to his autonomic nervous system responding to how touchy-feely the kid was. He couldn’t say he minded, really, although generally speaking he went out of his way to avoid unnecessary physical contact with others. There was something so innocent and bright-eyed about him, and it made Leonard feel…. Protective? Hmmm. Weird. Better not to spend too much time thinking about _that._ Or any time at all, really.

By the time Leonard returned with a tray piled high with roast beef and potatoes, green salad, and banana pudding (Leonard’s favorite— he just couldn’t resist) for the two of them, there were two large mugs of dark beer on the table, which Blondie presumably had _not_ stayed put to go and fetch. The kid wasn’t alone, either: there was a woman seated next to him at the table, with another woman and a man standing beside them. They were all engaged in lively banter as Leonard approached, until the man spotted him. He turned to Blondie and said, “We better go, Jim, looks like your date is back.” He winked at Blondie as the seated woman stood up and all three of them headed for the door.

“He’s not my date!” Blondie shouted after them. “He’s my room—” Leonard slid into the seat opposite the one the woman had just vacated, and Blondie lowered his voice as he turned in his direction, “—mate.”

Leonard just smirked a little and passed him his meal. “So, Jim, huh? Guess I can stop calling you ‘Blondie’ now.”

Jim cocked his head to one side and looked confused. “You’ve been calling me Blondie? To who?”

Leonard felt his cheeks grow warm as he realized he hadn’t ever said that to Jim’s face. “Oh, uhhh, just… no one…” he mumbled, spreading his napkin across his lap as an excuse to look away. “Leonard,” he said abruptly.

“Ahhh, there it is!” Jim grinned so wide it looked like his face might split in two. “Guess I can stop calling you ‘Bones’,” he fired back teasingly.

Leonard shrugged. “You can call me whatever you want, my parents are the only ones who ever insisted on using my full name.” His expression darkened almost imperceptibly. “Well, I suppose my parents, and…”

Jim interrupted him, saving him from trailing off into an awkward silence, and shot him another blinding smile, but his eyes were filled with understanding. “’Bones’ it is, then.”

Leonard grunted in assent and nodded. He supposed if Jim remembered enough of their conversation on the shuttle to be calling him ‘Bones’, he’d remember the bit about his ex-wife, too.

After that, they both turned their attention to eating for a few minutes. Leonard was ravenous; he knew he was eating faster than was really wise, but since he’d skipped lunch that day due to nausea left over from the shuttle, he gave himself a pass.

Jim reached out to take a drink from his beer, and Leonard stopped, truly noticing the alcohol for the first time. “Are you even old enough to drink, kid?” he half-teased.

Jim just laughed. “Of course I am! How old do you think I am, anyway?”

Leonard smirked, reaching for his own beer. “Do you really want me to answer that?” He took a sip. Damn. The kid had good taste. Leonard gulped down more of the amber liquid; it had been a long day, and the cool brew was just what he needed to take the edge off.

Jim put down his fork, still laughing, and fixed Leonard with a blue-eyed stare. “Well, now I really wanna know! C’mon, how old do you think I am?”

Leonard leaned back in his chair, still cradling the beer in both hands, and considered Jim for a moment. “Kid, if you told me you were 18, I’d believe you.” The thought of Jim being so much younger than he was made Leonard slightly uncomfortable, though he wasn’t exactly sure why. He frowned a little at the thought.

“What?! Really? I look 18 to you?” Jim laughed even harder, grabbing his spoon and admiring his reflection in the back of it.

“Yes, really! How far off am I, then?” Leonard was laughing too. He was getting awfully close to the bottom of his mug rather quickly, but then, so was Jim.

“I’m 22!” Leonard breathed a quiet sigh of relief, releasing the tension in his jaw he hadn’t been aware he was holding. Jim was young, but not that young. He supposed that made sense. After all, the kid _had_ been in a barfight last night. “Must be my boyish good looks, huh, Bones?” That blue-eyed gaze was back. Leonard’s mouth suddenly felt very dry. He dropped his gaze to his mug, drained it, then stood.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Blondie. I’m gonna go get another beer, you want one?”

“Yeah, sure, get me one of whatever you’re having, thanks,” Jim flashed a grin and picked his fork back up. “18, really?” he mumbled to himself, shaking his head as Leonard walked away.

\-------

It was several beers and a couple of hours later by the time they finally stumbled back to their room to get some rest. Jim had trouble finding his key card to open the door, dissolving into a fit of giggles hunched over against the wall, so Leonard had to let them in. Once inside, Leonard headed straight for the bathroom to get them both some water. He reemerged carrying two glasses, and at first he didn’t see Jim anywhere in the dimly lit room. It wasn’t until he heard a small, “Bones, help…” coming from his bed that he noticed two boots waving in the air at him. Leonard almost spilled the water he was holding in his laughter.

“Hey, dumbass, I thought I told you that was my bed,” Leonard joked, setting the glasses down on their shared nightstand and gazing down at Jim. His blonde hair splayed out against Leonard’s pillow, framing his head like a halo. Leonard couldn’t help but smile.

“Bones, I can’t get my boots off.”

“Oh, you big baby.” Leonard sat at the foot of the bed and carefully unlaced each boot, pulling them off and then carrying them to the end of Jim’s bed. “Are you gonna get up, or am I gonna have to sleep on the floor?”

“You can take my bed…” Jim started to trail off, rolling over and nuzzling his face into Leonard’s pillow.

“Oh, no, ya don’t,” Leonard grabbed Jim by the arms, pulling him first to a seated position so he could swing his feet to the floor, then pulling him off the bed and to his feet.

Suddenly they were very close together, with Leonard’s hands still loosely grasping Jim’s upper arms. Leonard didn’t even dare breathe, let alone move. Jim was looking up at him through his long, dark lashes, those startlingly blue eyes boring straight into his own. His cheeks were flushed from the alcohol and his full lips were slightly parted. Leonard couldn’t pull his gaze away. Couldn’t, or didn’t want to… he wasn’t sure.

Leonard abruptly snapped back to reality when he realized he’d been standing there staring at his roommate’s lips a little too long. He cleared his throat, released his grip on Jim’s arms, and stepped out of the kid’s way so he could reach his bed. Jim smiled softly at Leonard, then dove face first into his own pillows. He was snoring within seconds.

Leonard just stood there for a moment, catching his breath. Heart still pounding in his chest, he gingerly tugged Jim’s blanket up around him, pushing one of the glasses of water to his side of the night stand. He went to his bag, still sitting on his desk from earlier, and pulled out his medkit. Opening it, he pulled out some painkillers and put the kit back, before adding the tablets to the nightstand beside Jim’s water: in case the kid had a hangover in the morning. Leonard sank down onto his bed and pulled off his own boots and pants, tossing them towards his closet. He turned off the lamp, then pulled up the covers and rolled over, facing away from Jim’s side of the room. He stared blankly at the patch of privacy glass illuminated by the moonlight coming through the window, and took a deep breath in through his nose, trying to slow his heart rate.

He caught just a whiff of some unfamiliar scent, masculine and spicy. He sniffed around again, deeper this time. Great. His pillow smelled like Jim now. So much for that good night’s sleep he’d been hoping for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like, you can come talk to me over on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/), I love friends and talking about Star Trek!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a very long week of classes and avoiding his very-hot-but-probably-straight roommate, Bones arrives home Friday night to find a very intoxicated Jim once again in his bed. Bones (somewhat begrudgingly) takes care of his pouty, hungover ass the next morning, and finds he's struggling to keep his walls up with those pretty blue eyes trying to tear them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THE UPDATED RATING! :)
> 
> Once again, thanks very much to my roommate and best friend for beta reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Jim slept in the next morning, for which Leonard was grateful. It enabled him to get up and leave the dorm room without any awkward conversations; he didn’t much feel like addressing the events of the previous night. Leonard kept telling himself to relax— between the alcohol they’d both consumed and how quickly he’d fallen asleep afterwards, Jim likely didn’t even remember the moment of magnetic tension between them. Hell, the kid had a poster of a half-naked woman on his wall, for fuck’s sake; he was probably just the kind of ladies’ man who wouldn’t notice another man’s attention if it bit him in the ass. Nothing had even happened, Leonard kept telling himself. So why couldn’t he shake the feeling that something had?

Leonard managed to keep himself busy and out of the room all day Sunday by trying to familiarize himself with the Academy’s massive campus, and did not arrive back until well past midnight; thankfully, Jim was already asleep by then. But on Monday morning, when he rolled over and opened his eyes, he noticed Jim’s desk lamp on. Jim sat silhouetted against it in the gray morning light peeking through the windows, his back turned to Leonard and his feet up on top of his desk. Leonard snapped his eyes shut again, pretending to be asleep, but after a moment passed and he hadn’t heard Jim stir, he cautiously opened one eye, and then the other. Jim had his nose buried in a book again it seemed, based on the occasional sound of flipping pages. Leonard watched him for a minute or two, trying to calculate his next move. Every so often, Jim absentmindedly rocked his desk chair back until the front legs left the ground, holding it there for a moment, then casually dropping the chair onto all four legs again. He had a pencil tucked behind his ear that, at one point, he pulled out, used it to scribble something in the margins of his book, then forgot to tuck it back into his hair, opting instead to nibble at the end of it, lost in thought. Leonard found himself curious as to what Jim was reading.

Leonard kept telling himself just to get up, get dressed, and leave like he had the day before. If nothing had happened, like he kept telling himself, there was no need to hide beneath his covers like a damn child. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Clearly, something _had_ happened— or at least it had for Leonard. Leonard instead opted for rolling back over to face the privacy glass and pretending to be asleep for another hour until Jim finally put down his book and left the room. Leonard waited a few moments to make sure he wasn’t coming back, then hurriedly threw on the new cadet’s uniform he’d been provided with, brushed his teeth, and raced for his first class. He arrived there, sweaty and out of breath, fifteen minutes late.

Leonard did his best to avoid Jim for the rest of the week. Luckily, between trying to navigate the campus, a mountain of schoolwork, and what seemed like endless xenobiology classes and labs, he didn’t have much free time to worry about filling anyway. It felt like medical school all over again. He was in the library late every night that first week, trying to time his arrival back at their shared room until well after Jim had gone to bed. After that first day, he’d also learned to get up and clear out early, before Jim woke. Needless to say, he was consuming an absolutely ungodly amount of coffee to try to compensate for the lack of sleep.

By the time Leonard found himself trudging back to his dorm room Friday night, he was completely exhausted. It was nearly midnight again, and he found himself weighing the pros and cons of sleeping in tomorrow and potentially running into Jim. His stomach still did somersaults every time he remembered the rosy glow across Jim’s lightly freckled cheeks as they stood there, close enough that he could almost have heard the hammering of Leonard’s heart if he had listened carefully. Leonard’s sleep-starved brain was begging for some rationality, however; he couldn’t avoid Jim forever, after all. Not to mention he had no idea what Jim’s schedule for the next day would look like—hard to avoid someone if you had no idea where they’d be. Especially if that person was your roommate.

Leonard had just made up his mind to decide what to do in the morning as he arrived at the door of his room and tapped his key card against the reader. The door whooshed open, the sound seeming far too loud in the late-night silence of the dorms. It was dark in the room— Jim had either headed into the city, like many of the other cadets had tonight, or he was already asleep. Leonard stood in the doorway for a few moments as his eyes adjusted to the low light of the waning moon filtering through the windows, not wanting to risk waking Jim by turning on the room light if he was asleep. Once he could see enough to navigate the room without bumping into anything, he quietly made his way to his desk to set down his books. He turned and squinted through the blackness towards Jim’s bed, trying to make out any shape under the blankets. The bed looked empty, although it was hard to tell in this light, considering Jim never made his bed (which drove Leonard absolutely insane). Once he was satisfied, he turned towards his closet and started removing his uniform.

“Computer, lamp,” he commanded quietly. A warm glow sprang into existence behind him, making it easier to shed the rest of his clothing until he stood in only his boxers. Leonard stretched his shoulders lazily as he rubbed his tired eyes and scratched at the scruff starting to grow in on his throat just since this morning’s shave. He promised his tired body a hot shower first thing in the morning, and turned to climb into his bed.

Except there was already somebody in it. Or on it, rather: Jim was star-fished across the narrow twin-sized mattress on top of the blankets, still in his clothes, one boot on his foot and the other on the floor where he must have dropped it before passing out.

“God dammit, Jim,” Leonard muttered through gritted teeth. He rubbed his tired brow with the heel of his palm and tried to decide what to do.

He quietly approached the side of the bed and reached down to grab one of Jim’s shoulders. “Jim,” he whispered, shaking him gently. He only got a small groan and a furrowed brow in return. His breath reeked of alcohol. Leonard sighed. He shook Jim a little harder and repeated his name, louder this time. This time Jim’s eyes fluttered open for a second before he squeezed them shut and tried to roll over, mumbling something Leonard didn’t catch. “Jim, you’re in my bed again.” No response. Leonard wondered briefly if he ought to be concerned by that, since the kid had clearly had a lot to drink. But after listening for a moment, he decided Jim’s breathing sounded steady and deep and that odds were the kid was fine.

Leonard sighed again, heavier this time, and glanced up at the ceiling, silently asking whatever God may or may not exist what he’d done to deserve this. Finally, he moved to the foot of the bed and removed Jim’s other boot. He didn’t bat an eye before peeling off the tight jeans Jim was wearing— his mind had settled firmly into medical mode. As a doctor, Leonard had seen plenty of people of all ages in varying states of undress, and he clearly understood that the human body wasn’t inherently sexual, no matter how much clothing that body was or wasn’t wearing. He thought for a moment about lifting Jim and moving him to his own bed, but decided that might be a little more than doctorly. Instead, he wrestled the blankets out from under Jim’s body and pulled them up over his sleeping form. After gently rolling Jim onto his side, so he wouldn’t choke if he vomited, he placed some water and painkillers on the nightstand again like last week, then nabbed Jim’s pillow and blanket and settled onto the floor between the two beds. He didn’t feel fully comfortable taking Jim’s bed just because Jim was in his, and figured that this way, he was also right there if anything were to happen. Alcohol poisoning was no joke, and he intended to give Jim a stern talking-to in the morning about it.

The floor wasn’t the most comfortable surface to sleep on, but it wasn’t any worse than most on-call beds. After turning out the lamp, Leonard couldn’t fight his exhaustion any longer. He was asleep within minutes.

\-------

In retrospect, sleeping on a narrow patch of floor between two beds, especially with one of them occupied, wasn’t the best idea Leonard had ever had. Unfortunately, the exact degree of stupidity that particular choice represented wasn’t made clear to him until the next morning, when he was woken by a swift jab to his hip, followed by a startled shout and a sharp blow to the diaphragm, knocking the wind out of him. Leonard’s eyes sprung open as he coughed and gasped for air, blinking away the tears that suddenly flooded them.

“Owww… what the hell…?”

Jim was lying sprawled on top of Leonard, having evidently tripped over him when he’d tried to get up. Slowly, he pushed himself up until he was leaning with one hand on either side of Leonard’s head, looking down in confusion at what he had landed on. Leonard was keenly aware of the pressure of Jim’s knees against his hips and his weight resting just above Leonard’s knees.

“Bones…?” came the groggy voice. “Why are you on the floor?”

Leonard was still trying to regain his breath, and his voice came out sounding choked and raspy. “Oh, gee, Jim, I don’t know, might’ve had something to do with my bed being occupied when I got in last night.”

Jim just looked at him, the confusion in his eyes deepening. “Occupied?”

“Yeah, by you, dummy,” Leonard couldn’t help that one corner of his mouth twitched upward in a grin at the puzzled look on Jim’s face. “I tried to wake you, but you were out like a light.”

Jim chuckled and hung his head, the ends of his fair hair brushing Leonard’s bare chest. “Oops.”

God, that smile made Leonard’s chest ache. The longer they stayed like this, the harder it was becoming for Leonard to keep himself from brushing those golden locks out of Jim’s face so he could see those baby blue eyes. “Are you gonna get off? I can’t feel my damn feet.”

“Hmm?” Jim looked up at him again with a blank expression. His eyes flicked back and forth between Leonard’s for a moment. Leonard cocked one eyebrow at him in question. Understanding dawned on Jim’s face, his next words coming out in a rush as he scrambled to his feet. “Oh! Oh, yeah, of course, sorry.”

Once Jim was back on his feet, he reached a hand down to help Leonard up. Leonard sat forward and grasped Jim’s wrist, allowing him to pull him off the floor. His back popped loudly on the way up, and he hissed through his teeth in pain as he took his hand back from Jim and stretched his sore muscles. Jim sunk down heavily onto the corner of his own bed, staring into space. His hair was mussed, his cheeks rosy from sleep, and there were pillow lines across his face. He winced a little when Leonard spoke: “Damn, kid, you look like hell.”

“Mmm, thanks, Bones,” Jim fired back sarcastically. “You’re looking pretty stellar yourself.” He raised a hand to his head and began massaging one temple with his thumb.

Leonard’s doctorly instincts took over just like they had last night. He crossed to the nightstand, grabbing the water and medicine he’d left there for Jim the night before and thrusting them into Jim’s hands. “Here. Take these, they’ll help. And drink that water, all of it. Then get your ass in the shower.” Leonard said all of this without making eye contact with Jim, instead busying himself with pulling on a fresh t-shirt and sweats and thrusting his feet into a pair of loosely tied sneakers as he headed for the door.

“Where are you going?” There was something in Jim’s voice that gave Leonard pause, some note of distress that he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Did the kid really feel _that_ sick, that he didn’t want the doctor to leave? That had to be it. Leonard turned back toward Jim, noting his bloodshot eyes and the pallor of his cheeks. He frowned a little, remembering the difficulty he’d had rousing Jim last night, and reached for his medkit as he crossed the room. He pulled out the hand scanner from the kit, giving Jim a quick once over to evaluate him after the night’s drinking. Hmm. Just as he’d expected: low blood sugar, low electrolytes and potassium, slightly lower than average body temperature, but his blood alcohol levels had returned to baseline. All typical hangover symptoms, nothing to worry about. Leonard took a deep breath, letting the tension out of his shoulders. Jim had had him worried for a moment.

Leonard put his medkit away, then started back towards the door, replying over his shoulder. “I’m getting you breakfast: that hangover’s not gonna treat itself. Go take that shower, Jim, a hot one— doctor’s orders. I’ll be back.”

Jim seemed to relax a little at that, grinning weakly. “You got it, Doc.”

With that, Leonard slipped out of the room and headed for the mess.

\-------

When Leonard returned roughly twenty minutes later with their breakfasts, Jim was lounging on his bed in a t-shirt and sweats, and his hair was darkened to a rich honey color by the shower. Some old western movie from the 20th century was playing on the holoprojector from his desk, something Leonard didn’t recognize, but Jim was mouthing along with the actors’ dialogue.

“Here, eat,” Leonard instructed, shoving a plate of eggs, bacon, and breakfast potatoes into Jim’s hands. Settling into the chair of his desk with his own meal, he watched Jim pick at his plate looking queasy.

“The nausea will go away faster if you start with the potatoes,” Leonard offered after a moment. Jim huffed a little through his nose, stabbed some potatoes with his fork and started chewing, turning his attention back to the movie.

Leonard finished his meal in silence, setting aside his plate and rising to go take his own shower. His back and hips ached from sleeping on the floor— at 28, he may still have been fairly young, but after the strain Leonard had put his body through with all those sleepless nights the past several years, he sure didn’t feel like it. Hopefully the hot water would help calm his complaining muscles.

As warm water streamed over his head and shoulders, Leonard thought again about last weekend and the way he’d embarrassed himself. He’d been so busy this morning treating Jim’s hungover ass that he’d completely forgotten about it all. Jim didn’t seem to be behaving any differently, either, for the record, although Leonard had to admit he didn’t have a lot of data on Jim’s typical behavior. He sighed, leaning his head against the shower wall. Maybe he’d been worried for nothing. It seemed like the two of them wouldn’t see each other much anyway, their school schedules being what they were, so if Leonard could just keep it together on the weekends, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

But hell, Jim sure wasn’t making it easy! The little shit had charisma coming out of his ears and damn if he didn’t know it. Leonard knew Jim wasn’t teasing him on purpose, and as such he couldn’t possibly blame him for any of this, but he was certainly feeling flustered. Leonard’s mind called up images, unbidden, of the way Jim had looked sitting in his lap this morning: that adorable flush he always seemed to have across his cheeks and the bridge of his nose, the crown of light the morning sun made in his disheveled hair, the way he’d been biting his lip when he’d lifted his eyes to meet Leonard’s. He could still feel how Jim’s hair had tickled his scruffy chest when he’d bent forward laughing, and the way his knees had gripped his hips. Leonard felt his body begin to respond— not surprising, given that he hadn’t had sex with anyone since well before his divorce. Not that he hadn’t had the opportunity; Leonard had just always been the sort of man who needed something more than simple physical attraction to get into bed with someone. A part of him was unsettled that it was his roommate, of all people, eliciting this response from him; but considering nothing was likely to ever come of it, he pushed that part away and allowed himself to surrender to the fantasies filling his mind.

\-------

By the time Leonard stepped out of the shower, the water had started to run cold, but his body felt warm and his mind fuzzy. He didn’t even think before exiting the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around his waist. As he stepped out into the main room, his eyes landed on Jim, still lounging on his bed watching that movie. _Shit._ How could he possibly have forgotten Jim was out here? He froze for a moment, but he quickly realized it was already too late. He was trying to play it cool, and going _back_ into the bathroom to get dressed after already coming out in a towel would probably seem odd. He felt jittery, like as long as he wasn’t dressed, Jim might be able to read his mind and discover what he’d just been up to. His cheeks burned. Working as quickly as possible, Leonard found and changed into something clean and comfortable. When he turned around, Jim hadn’t even moved. His eyes were glued to the holo display, and Leonard suddenly realized he had popcorn. The kid had a gift for making beer and snacks appear out of seemingly thin air when Leonard’s back was turned, apparently.

Leonard chuckled and shook his head, willing his voice to sound normal when he spoke. “Where’d ya get that?”

“The popcorn? Oh, I got it from the mess, I took our plates back while you were in the shower. You want some?” Jim took a handful and began shoving it in his mouth, then held the bowl out towards Leonard with one arm.

“Thanks,” Leonard stepped forward and took a handful as well, eating it much slower than Jim was, one kernel at a time, and trying not to make a mess. He couldn’t look at Jim; instead, he let his gaze land on the holo display, pretending to watch the movie. After a moment with Leonard hovering awkwardly, trying to think how to excuse himself to go cool off without being rude, Jim looked up at him.

“Do you wanna sit and watch with me?” Jim grabbed the pillow Leonard had borrowed last night from where it was still laying on the floor in front of the nightstand, arranging it side by side with his own against his headboard. When he was satisfied with their placement, he scooted away from Leonard to the edge of the bed and patted the mattress beside him. He must have seen the hesitation in Leonard’s eyes, because he laughed a little, then continued, “C’mon, you can share my popcorn. I promise I don’t have cooties,” he added with a wink.

Dammit. How could Leonard say no to that face? He barely dared breathe as he joined Jim on the bed. He sat stiffly at first, trying not to let too much of his body touch too much of Jim’s, but Jim had no such concerns, relaxing right up against him. This is not at _all_ how he had imagined today going, although if he could get around his own anxiety, he had to admit it wasn’t so bad. Occasionally, Jim would nudge him in the ribs with his elbow when something exciting began to happen, and once he even reached over and brushed some fallen popcorn off Leonard’s lap. Leonard nearly jumped out of his skin when he did. But eventually, the protests of Leonard’s tired muscles and sleep-starved brain won out, and he relaxed fully, leaning slightly against Jim’s shoulder. The movie ended, and Jim queued up another one as Leonard’s heavy eyelids drifted closed…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again, everybody!  
> I hope you're enjoying my fic, I'm having so much fun writing it and I have some really big ideas of where to go with it!  
> For example... next chapter will be Jim's POV!
> 
> I exist over on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/) if you wanna come make friends or talk to me about Star Trek!  
> Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim drags Bones out of the dorms to explore the city on a weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks so much to my best friend for beta reading for me! I know you complain that I don't ever seem to need it, but listen, just because I've edited a chapter seventeen times already doesn't mean there aren't glaring errors and problems!
> 
> This is a bit of a longer chapter, so my apologies that it's going up a bit later than usual, but I hope the wait has been worth it! :)

Jim was pretty pleased with himself. Any idiot could have seen that Bones had been avoiding him. But Jim liked Bones; against all odds, he’d found someone who _wasn’t_ an uptight, conformist pencil-pusher around here, and he wasn’t about to let that someone keep dodging him. Before he’d even thought of a plan, Drunk-Jim had taken the reins… Generally speaking, Drunk-Jim made terrible decisions, but he had to admit he was delighted with how events had unfolded. Waking up in Bones’ bed and immediately tumbling directly into his bare chest was something he could get used to… And then Bones had nursed Jim’s hangover and gotten him breakfast! Jim was beginning to suspect that the grumpy old man might actually be a softie. To top it all off, now Bones was asleep in _his_ bed. An interesting development, to be sure…

Jim lay on his side, silently observing Bones’ sleeping face. He was a good-looking guy: taller than Jim was by just a smidge, dark hair showing hints of premature graying at the temples, and soft, warm hazel eyes that he kept hidden behind that perpetual scowl. Naturally, Jim had also noticed Bones’ body: broad shouldered with good muscle tone, the kind that suggested a wiriness and stamina that was very appealing. Jim couldn’t help but _further_ notice the coarse, dark hair that covered Bones’ chest and made a trail down his abdomen that led the eye enticingly downwards as it disappeared into his boxers. He _had_ more or less face-planted directly into it.

Even now, Jim could see a hint of that fur where Bones’ t-shirt was riding up, offering a peek of tanned skin just above the waistband of his sweats. Bones had his large arms folded across his chest, and he wore a slight frown even in sleep. Jim had the urge to reach out and smooth that perpetual scowl from Bones’ brow with his thumb, but that felt strangely… _intimate_ , and in a way Jim wasn’t entirely comfortable with. Not to mention it would probably send Bones running for the hills again; all Jim had done last weekend was bat his eyelashes a little and Bones had been spooked.

Jim chewed at his lip as he considered that. Why, exactly, had last weekend’s little moment of spark scared Bones off? He’d seen the look in Bones’ eyes that night before, and it was usually right before someone kissed him. That kind of electric tension didn’t happen with men confident in their heterosexuality, and Jim ought to know. Jim had never fit into a male/female binary, although he was perfectly comfortable with his mostly masculine presentation, and it had contributed to him making more than a few ‘straight’ men question their sexualities. Maybe that’s what was happening with Bones? He did reference his ex-wife that time; maybe the guy had never realized he liked other men. Not that Jim was strictly a ‘man’ in the traditional sense, but all the same…

Jim was beginning to get antsy— he’d always had trouble sitting still. Bones had been asleep for almost an hour now. He clearly needed the rest, but Jim had energy to burn. He supposed he’d better hit the fitness center and let Bones sleep. He grabbed his gym bag and shoes and quietly slipped out the door.

\-------

When Jim returned, sweaty and half-dressed with his t-shirt hung around his neck, Bones was gone again. _Oh, for fuck's sake._ Bones couldn’t actually be this twitchy, could he? Jim had been looking forward to hanging out with his roommate today, getting to know him. He sighed heavily, his mood souring in Bones’ absence. Crossing to his side of the room, Jim put away his bag and started looking for some fresh clothes before his shower. The door hissed open behind him as he perused his closet, and Jim’s mood lifted again instantly. He spun around as Bones rounded the edge of the privacy glass, holding…

“You’ve gotta be _kidding_ me!”

Bones had stopped dead, looking sheepish, noodles falling from his mouth into a biofoam cup.

“Are you seriously eating instant ramen?! After your little hissy fit about them last week?” Jim found the whole thing far too funny to even consider being upset. He was laughing so hard his eyes were beginning to water.

“It wasn’t a _hissy fit_ , Jim!” Bones growled, clearly embarrassed. “I woke up and was hungry, you weren’t here, and I just wanted something quick! It may be junk food, but at least it’s something.” Bones was clearly scrambling to justify his duplicity as his neck and ears reddened.

“I think that means it’s my turn to drag you to the mess by your arm and make you eat something healthy then, isn’t it?” Jim joked. “A doctor really ought to set a good example for his patients, don’t you think? You know you’d rather eat something more nutrient dense, anyway.” Jim shot Bones a wink, and he could have _sworn_ Bones blushed even deeper.

Bones just stared down at the biofoam cup in his hand guiltily. Without looking at Jim, he cursed and tossed it in the recycler.

“That’s what I thought,” Jim chuckled. “Give me five minutes to shower and we’ll go get some real lunch.”

\-------

A half hour later, the two of them were seated on a bench down a pier of Fisherman’s Wharf, eating clam chowder and sourdough bread. It was the off season for tourists, so the wharf wasn’t too crowded, although Bones kept glancing over his shoulder every time someone passed within a few feet of their bench. Jim made a mental note to encourage his friend to relax. Frequently.

“You ever been to San Francisco before all this, Bones?”

Bones shook his head, swallowing the bit of bread he’d been chewing. “Born and raised in Georgia, then med school in Mississippi. I never travelled much; when I was told to report to Riverside for the shuttle, that was farther north than I’d ever been before. Never been west of the Mississippi until then, either.” He was quiet for a moment, watching the sea lions that swam just off the pier. Then he turned back to Jim. “What about you?”

Jim shrugged, blowing on a spoonful of soup to cool it. “I’ve been a few times. My mom was stationed on the _Saratoga_ when I was a kid; whenever she had shore leave on Earth, my brother and I would come to see her.” Jim paused for a moment to eat some soup, then continued, “Never saw much of the city, though. Golden Gate Bridge, and here to the wharf a few times, but other than that, it was all Starfleet Command.”

Bones grunted around his own mouthful of soup, swallowing before he responded, “That’s a shame, seems like a beautiful city. So much history, too.”

That gave Jim an idea. He hurriedly wolfed down the rest of his chowder and pulled his pocket PADD out, searching for a map of tourist attractions in the city. Once he’d pulled it up, he passed it to Bones, who was just now finishing his own meal.

“What’s this?”

“Pick one. Since neither of us has seen the city, and we’ve got a free day, let’s go exploring.”

“Ahhh, kid, I’m tired….” Bones _did_ seem tired, but he chuckled as he protested.

“C’mon, Bones, it’ll be fun! The semester’s only gonna get tougher; when are we gonna get another chance like this? Pick one!”

“Alright, alright…” Bones took the PADD from him, eyes flicking back and forth across the screen for a moment. “Coit Tower,” he cocked an eyebrow and flashed Jim a half-grin as he passed the PADD back.

Jim looked down at the map and rolled his eyes slightly. Of _course_ Bones would pick the nearest major attraction. Well, he’d just have to make sure they got more chances to explore, then, he supposed.

Jim got up and started walking, dropping the bowl and spoon from his meal into the nearest recycler. He didn’t wait to see if Bones would follow— Jim knew he would.

“Wait, Jim, slow down! _Dammit!_ ”

Sure enough, Bones came jogging after him, catching up to him after a moment or two as he walked back up the pier towards the city. Jim slipped his PADD into his back pocket as they crossed the Embarcadero and started up the hill. “Why’re you putting the map away? You’re gonna get us lost,” Bones complained.

“How am I gonna get us lost?” Jim could only laugh, pointing up the hill to the southeast of them. “You can see the tower from here, Bones! It’s only a mile away, even a child could find it from here.”

“Alright, but if we get lost, I’m gonna say I told you so…”

“Bones! We won’t get lost!”

They fell comfortably into step side by side like they’d done so a thousand times, bantering and joking back and forth as they marched toward the white concrete spire atop the hill.

\-------

Jim paused at a street corner to catch his breath; the hills of San Francisco were no joke. He must have looked uncertain as he glanced around at street signs, because Bones’ fussing kicked up a notch.

“We’re lost. I told you we’d get lost. Give me the PADD.”

“We’re not lost, Bones! We’re taking the scenic route!”

“Scenic route, my ass, Jim. Give me the map.”

“No. Use your own PADD.” At this point, Jim was refusing to pull it out on principle. So what if they were lost? It was about the adventure of exploring the city, not the destination itself. Now he just had to get Bones to see that.

“I didn’t bring mine!”

“Well, why not?”

Bones huffed a little. “I didn’t think we were leaving campus! I thought we were just going downstairs to the mess!”

“Oh. I guess that’s fair.” Jim fidgeted guiltily as he remembered implying that. How else was he supposed to get Bones out of the dorms?

They’d lost sight of the tower about ten minutes ago, and since then, Bones had been griping nonstop. Jim was still fairly sure they were headed the right direction, but it was taking them longer than he’d expected due to the steepness of San Francisco’s streets. Huffing and puffing up the hill behind him, Jim had needed to slow down to let Bones keep pace with him. It was a little odd that there didn’t seem to be many people out, but considering that today’s weather was fairly cold and stormy, it wasn’t too strange.

“Jim, either consult the map, or I’m turning around and going back.”

Jim huffed back at Bones in irritation. As if Bones could find his way back without him. Even so, he pulled his PADD out of his pocket and checked their location. He was finding it was sometimes better just to humor the old man.

“See, look, the stairs are just another block this direction— I told you we weren’t lost.”

“Fine, fine, let’s just go see this thing so we can go home.” Bones’ tone was still sharp, but his face had softened a bit, that poorly hidden half grin of his peeking back through his brooding exterior.

They trudged up the hill for a few more minutes in silence. The stairway shortly came into view, the steps worn smooth by centuries of feet trudging up and down them. There were two flights of stairs, separated in the middle by a roadway that wound up around the hill to the base of the tower. They climbed the first set of stairs leisurely, with Bones making a comment here or there about the interesting architecture of the old buildings they passed. As they crossed the road toward the base of the second set of stairs, though, Bones paused slightly before pulling ahead of Jim, mounting the stairs two at a time. Why was he in such a hurry? Jim sped up, trying to catch up to him, and almost ran straight into him when he stopped in the middle without warning.

“Do you hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“Shhh!”

They both stood still, listening for a moment. Thunder rumbled in the distance and the wind kept blowing Jim’s hair into his eyes. Over the rushing of air in his ears, Jim heard a small cry.

“That,” Bones turned to his left, towards the woods covering this section of the hillside. Without another thought, Bones vaulted the handrail on the side of the stairs and marched off through the trees.

“Bones! Where are you going?”

Bones didn’t respond. Jim sighed, ducking under the handrail and setting off after him.

After a minute or two, Jim caught up to him. Bones was crouched on the ground, and as Jim approached, he could see a child seated in the dirt beside him. Her face shone with tear tracks, and her knee was scraped and bleeding.

“Hey, it’s okay, darlin’. I’m Leonard, this is Jim. What’s your name?”

“Hannah,” the girl sniffled. She looked to be about five or six.

“Nice to meet you, Hannah. What happened? Where are your parents?”

“They’re looking at that boring old tower. I was running after my brother, I was ‘it’, and I slipped and hurt my knee. I think it’s broken…” Her sniffles gave way to full blown wailing as she finished her story, tears dripping past her lashes and down her chin once more.

“Shhh, shh, shh, no need to cry, sweetheart. You’re in luck, because I’m a doctor. Mind if I take a look?” Bones reached his hand toward her leg, stopping short of touching her while he watched her face, waiting for her to respond.

She sniffled again and nodded.

Bones gently touched her leg, probing it carefully around the scrape on her knee. “Does it hurt if I press here?”

Hannah shook her head.

“Think you can stand?” Bones stood and held out his hand to pull her up. Gingerly, she took it, and allowed Bones to pull her to her feet.

“Good news, kiddo— you’re gonna be just fine. Now, whaddaya say we go find your family?”

“Okay.”

“Can you walk, or do you need help?”

“Mmm….” Hannah stared at the ground and scuffed her toe in the dirt for a moment, before looking up at Bones with huge, brown eyes. “Will you help me?”

“Sure thing, darlin’,” Bones beamed at her, crouching down and turning his back to her, offering her a piggyback ride. “Climb on!”

After considering for a moment, she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Bones’ neck. Bones grabbed hold of her feet and stood, starting to make his way back to the stairs.

Jim followed behind them, feeling almost like he was intruding on a private moment. Bones and Hannah chatted about things like her favorite animal and whether or not she had started elementary school yet as they finished climbing the stairs to the tower. When they got to the top, Hannah asked to walk, and Bones put her down, walking beside her as they crossed the lawn in search of her family.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Hannah called when she spotted them, breaking into a run. Her parents and brother turned at her voice. Hannah’s father’s shoulders relaxed visibly when he saw her, and her mother clutched her heart and dropped to her knees, catching Hannah in a tight embrace. Bones and Jim slowed as they approached the small family. “This is Leonard, he fixed my knee!”

“Is that right,” her mother mused, eyeing Bones and Jim suspiciously. Her eyes shone a little too brightly, like she, too, had been crying.

“Dr. Leonard McCoy, ma’am,” Bones said, offering his hand to her to shake. “I heard your daughter crying off the path as we climbed the stairs. I thought I’d better see if she needed help.”

“Jim Kirk,” Jim added, following Bones’ lead.

Hannah’s mother’s face softened. She stood and shook Bones’ hand, then Jim’s, and Hannah’s father followed suit. “Thank you for finding her, we’ve been looking for her for twenty minutes; we were about to call the police.”

Bones nodded at her in acknowledgement. “It’s nothing, ma’am, I’m happy to help. I have a daughter about her age, and if it had been my baby girl crying alone in the woods, I’d want someone to help her get back to me, too.” His face looked oddly sad as he finished speaking, and his eyes never left Hannah’s face.

Hannah’s parents thanked him once again, and he and Jim made their way towards the tower. It was getting to be late in the afternoon, and the weather was taking a turn for the worse. They were the only two people in the building when they stepped into the lobby. Bones circled the lobby, scowling pensively at the murals, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. Jim bought them two tickets, and together they moved towards the stairway.

They climbed the aged stairs in silence, Jim trailing slightly behind Bones. When they reached the observation deck, Bones strolled up to one of the open windows, leaning heavily on his forearms against the bottom edge as he stared blankly out over the bay. Jim took up position in the window beside him, perched with one knee hanging out over the 200-foot drop.

“I didn’t know you had a daughter.”

“Joanna,” Bones murmured, the wind ruffling his hair. “She’ll be six this year.”

Jim didn’t quite know what to say. His heart sank as he thought of what Bones had said when they’d met on the shuttle. _I’ve got nowhere else to go… ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce._ Jim hadn’t realized that included a child. He put a hand on Bones’ shoulder in a way he hoped was comforting. “I’m so sorry.”

Bones just grunted, crossing an arm across his chest to grasp Jim’s on his shoulder. He hung his head. After a moment, Jim felt his shoulders begin to shake with silent sobs.

“Bones,” Jim sighed, his voice low and full of sympathy. He stood, pulling on Bones’ shoulder, trying to turn Bones to face him. Bones responded to the pressure on his shoulder, suddenly standing upright and spinning towards Jim, wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist and burying his head in Jim’s shoulder. Jim stood frozen for a moment, completely stunned. Then, slowly, he lifted his arms and wrapped them loosely around Bones’ neck as he cried quietly into the collar of Jim's jacket.

Jim had no idea how long they stood like that. The rain that had been threatening for hours finally started falling, making Bones’ hair stick to his neck. He let Bones cry as long as he needed, patting him soothingly on the back and shushing him gently.

After a while, Bones stood up straight, turning away from Jim to wipe his eyes and nose on his sleeve. A moment of uneasiness grew between them when Bones didn’t turn back around, preferring instead to stare down at his boots. Jim stepped forward and wrapped his hand gently around Bones’ wrist. “Let’s go home, Bones.”

Bones glanced up at him, then looked away again and simply nodded. The depth Jim saw in Bones’ eyes, completely unguarded for once, made his breath catch in his throat. They looked as green and stormy as the bay did today.

Jim quickly gathered his composure and lead the way back down the stairs.

“Well, the weather may suck, but think of what we’ll be able to tell people now! We got to explore Coit Tower all alone, no one else was even here!” Jim joked. He had to try to get Bones’ mind off things somehow.

Bones offered Jim a weak grin when he glanced behind him. “That’s true. This building is over 300 years old, so having it all to ourselves was pretty neat.”

“Is it really? I knew it was old, but trust you to know all the details, you’re practically a dinosaur,” Jim paused at the bottom of the stairs, falling back in with Bones so he could elbow him teasingly in the ribs at that.

Now Bones’ grin was real. He chuckled and shoved Jim lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, I’m not _that_ old, kid! I’m only 28; I just like history. It’s always fascinated me to think about what life would have been like for people standing here when stuff like this tower was new. They hadn’t even put a man in space yet back then,” Bones looked pensively up at the dripping clouds above them as they walked back down the front steps of the building. Jim followed his gaze, squinting to keep the raindrops out of his eyes.

There was a sudden flash of lightning, followed almost immediately by a deafening clap of thunder, and the rain started coming down even harder. Jim yelped and took off running down the stairs, laughing as Bones raced after him.

“Jim, wait, don’t run, it’s not safe!”

Jim was about halfway down the first flight of stairs when he suddenly felt his feet fly out from under him. There was a loud _crack_ from his ankle as he tumbled down the next few stairs, swearing. He vaguely heard Bones shout his name from behind him as he came to a stop a few stairs up from the bottom. Bones caught up to him quickly, dropping to a kneeling position on the step above him. His vision began to go black around the edges, and for a moment he felt queasy as his head spun.

Bones’ face swam before his eyes as Jim’s consciousness faded…

And then, after only a moment or two, he came around to Bones lightly smacking his cheeks, then prying open one of his eyes and shining a light into it. “Jim, can you hear me?”

“Bones…” Jim moaned. He then promptly rolled over and vomited.

“Did you hit your head, Jim?”

“’M not sure. Don’t think so,” Jim mumbled. He felt so strange… He tried to sit up, but Bones planted a large hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Don’t try to get up. Your leg is _definitely_ broken.”

Jim’s unfocused gaze slipped past Bones’ face and down towards his feet. The left one was sitting at an unnatural angle to his knee, like it was twisted just a little too far, and his shin seemed to bulge outward near his ankle.

_Oh._

_Oh FUCKKKKKK._

Jim let himself fall back against the ground, crying out and gritting his teeth as the pain belatedly hit his system like a semi truck.

“ _Shit_ , why is it that whenever I need my medkit, I leave it home…” Bones mumbled to himself while nervously checking Jim’s pulse at his wrist. “Hang in there, kid, I’ve gotta shift you to get to your PADD. Just keep breathing, Jim.”

Jim just nodded, his eyes and teeth clenched tight, trying to focus on breathing deeply and evenly as Bones had instructed. The spatter of rain all around them was deafening. He felt Bones place one hand firmly on his left leg, just above the knee, to hold his leg steady as Bones moved him; the other went under Jim’s left shoulder blade, and he began to lift and twist Jim’s upper body away from himself to gain access to Jim’s back pockets.

“I’ve gotta let go of your shoulder a minute— can you hold yourself like this for a sec?”

Jim grunted and nodded, planting his right hand firmly against the next stair down. Bones’ hand moved with surprising speed to Jim’s pocket, whipping out the PADD and setting it to the side, then replacing his hand against Jim’s shoulder and helping Jim lower himself back to the ground.

“You doing okay, Jim-bo? Just keep breathing,” Bones searched his face for a moment, trying to evaluate his status, before turning to the PADD and calling into emergency services for an ambulance.

“C’mon, buddy, we gotta get outta the trees so the ambulance has room to land. I’m gonna help you out; whatever you do, _don’t_ try to put weight on your left leg. Okay?”

Jim nodded once more. He was starting to feel a little faint again.

“Stay with me, Blondie, I need you to stay awake,” Bones grabbed his left wrist in his left hand, his right arm snaking underneath and around him until his hand found a grip under his arm. Bones began to lift, and Jim put the remainder of his weight on his right leg as Bones pulled him upright. Together, they carefully made their way to the base of the upper flight of stairs. Bones gently lowered Jim to a seated position on the roadway’s curb, then sat beside him.

“Hanging in there, Jim?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Bones.” Jim had never heard Bones talk this much just to talk. He supposed he was trying to keep him occupied to help pass time until the ambulance arrived. That was nice of him.

“So… why’d you join Starfleet, kid?”

_Ah_. Bones’ timing was impeccable, Jim thought sarcastically.

“It’s… a long story.”

“I think we’ve got time. Unless you’d rather not talk about it?”

“No, no, that’s okay.” It was likely that his system was in shock, but the vulnerability of this conversation wasn’t so frightening to him just then. Jim took a deep breath, both to keep a handle on the pain and to gather his thoughts, before continuing. “My dad’s George Kirk. He died as acting captain of the USS _Kelvin_ on the day I was born.”

“You’re shitting me.”

“Nah, really. That barfight I told you about? Well, believe it or not, I actually _didn’t_ hold off four guys singlehandedly. I was getting my ass handed to me until Captain Pike walked in and broke it up. He knew about my dad— almost everybody in Starfleet does.” Jim caught Bones nodding at this. Even he’d heard of George Kirk, apparently, and he’d only enlisted a couple of weeks ago. “So Pike… convinced me. And here I am.”

“Well, if that’s not just like me to stick my foot in my mouth tryin’ to help distract you. I’m sorry, Jim; when you said ‘Kirk’ on the shuttle, I never imagined…”

“Don’t worry about it, Bones. It’s not like it’s a secret.”

The roar of shuttlecraft engines above them cut them off as the ambulance carefully landed in the street in front of them. Two paramedics hopped out of the back, and Bones stood to greet them.

“Fractured tibia, he twisted it running down the stairs in the rain. Fibula might be fractured, too.” The paramedics looked at him with surprise and confusion. Bones just sighed. “I’m a doctor, alright? Will you just get him into the ambulance? He’s in a lot of pain,” Bones barked at them. That wasn’t like him; Bones was a grumpy guy, but he was always polite— often to a fault, in Jim’s limited experience.

The paramedics rushed into action, one of them running back to the ambulance and preparing a hypospray, while the other moved to help Bones support Jim as they moved him into the cabin of the shuttle. Bones took a seat along the wall beside the gurney in the center, while the first paramedic administered the hypospray.

“This is a sedative— it’s going to put you to sleep, and when you wake up, you’ll be well on your way to getting back on your feet,” she said calmly, offering Jim a warm smile.

“Don’t worry, Jim. I’ll be right here when you wake up.” Bones was holding Jim’s hand in both of his as Jim’s vision began to fade. It felt nice. It had been a long time since anyone had taken care of him the way Bones was right now. It made something warm blossom in his chest: a feeling of safety, of security, of…

_Oh. Fuck._

And then he was asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who's following along with this story as I write it, and leaving me such nice comments! They truly make my day, I love to talk with you all about what's going on here, so thank you so much!
> 
> As always, you can also come hang out with me on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/), where I'll post any updates about this work. :)
> 
> One last note: I am doing a summer semester of school this year, meaning my time for writing will be cut down substantially from where it's been these past few weeks. I'd still like to update weekly on Sundays as much as possible, but it may not be as regular as it's been, or I may write some shorter chapters. I've got big plans for this fic though, so I hope you'll all keep sticking with me as I post! Your kudos and comments inspire me so much, so thanks very much for that!
> 
> See you all next week with more! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft boy comes out of anesthesia in hospital, embarrasses roommate who wants to smooch him, more at 10
> 
> In other news, area Starfleet Cadets' favorite coping mechanism is running from their problems and hoping they go away!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks again so much to my best friend for beta reading for me and for telling me that, yes, my chapters are worth posting on the internet.
> 
> Be aware heading into this chapter that you're gonna get some adorable fluff, but then the angst kicks up several notches. Lowkey depictions of panic attacks and PTSD flashbacks ahead.
> 
> Thanks very much to those of you who always leave me such nice comments, you all keep me going!
> 
> Please enjoy! <3

“Mmmm….”

Jim groaned and slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times as he tried to get his eyes to focus. He was lying on his back, staring up at a white tiled ceiling high above him. The room he was in was well-lit by several small lights recessed into that ceiling, and slightly parted floor-to-ceiling curtains to his right revealed a sliver of inky sky and rain-spattered windowpanes. There was an IV line running into his left arm. The only sound was a quiet beeping marking his heart beats that emanated from the wall above his head.

“Jim…? Are you awake?”

Jim turned his head toward the source of the voice, a voice that was quickly becoming very familiar. Bones leaned towards his biobed from a chair to his left, his hair looking a lot more disheveled than usual.

“Bones…” Jim sighed with a euphoric grin spreading across his face. “You saved me.”

Bones sighed, running his hands through his hair for what must have been the thousandth time that evening. “I didn’t do anything kid, just called the ambulance.” Bones glared at the floor for a moment, then turned his scowl on Jim. His voice was stern when he spoke. “What the hell, Jim, how could you be so careless? You coulda broken your damn neck, ya idiot!”

Jim barely heard him. He was distracted by Bones’ messy hair. He giggled as he reached one hand up towards Bones’ face. “Bones… your hair…”

“Dammit, Jim, could you focus for one minute?” Bones batted his hand away. “You gotta learn to be more careful! You scared me half to death, kid!”

“It’s okay, Bones, shit happens… Look, I’m fine, right?”

“No, Jim, you’re not fine! Your leg’s under a machine that’s knitting your bones back together!”

Jim was puzzled. What was Bones talking about? For the second time that day, he let his fuzzy gaze slide past Bones to his left leg. It was completely obscured by a bulky machine. The device hummed lightly and emitted a faint blue glow around the opening that his leg disappeared into. “Oh… Bones, what is that…?”

Bones leaned closer to him, peeking inside the machine. “It’s an osteogenic stimulator, Jim, it’s fixing your damn ankle.” Bones glanced down at him briefly, and Jim met his gaze.

“Oh,” Jim replied simply, suddenly enthralled with the angles and planes of Bones’ face. The hard line of his clenched jaw conflicted with the visible worry in the softness around his eyes. Jim’s breath caught as he held Bones’ eyes for just a moment too long… just like that first night in their room.

Bones suddenly cleared his throat, standing up straight and turning away from Jim towards the door. “I, uh, better go let your doctor know you’re awake,” he mumbled shakily.

Jim could see the redness creeping up the back of Bones’ neck as he left the room.

\-------

Leonard left the room and walked stiffly to the nearest restroom, bracing his hands against the edge of the sink and staring into its drain. What had gotten into him today? First he’d pulled Jim into that hug earlier at the tower, and now he’d caught himself staring into his eyes again! He _had_ to keep it together; if he wasn’t careful, he might slip and do something a little more than friendly, and he really was coming to enjoy Jim’s friendship. Not to mention slipping up would make living arrangements completely miserable…

Leonard looked up at his reflection in the mirror— he looked even worse than he felt. His hair looked like mice or birds probably nested in it, his facial hair was way beyond “scruffy” at this point after skipping this morning’s shave, and the dark circles under his eyes were so severe it made his eyes look sunken in. Leonard sighed and rubbed at his tired eyes with the heels of his hands. He was exhausted; that had to be all this was. That, and bumping into that little girl that had so reminded him of Joanna… If he could just keep his head on straight for a few more hours, he could go home and get some much-needed rest.

Leonard turned the knob on the faucet it to its coldest setting. He splashed his face and neck with the icy water, trying to cool the flush that seemed to constantly burn beneath his skin when he was around Jim. With wet fingers, he combed roughly through his tangled hair, trying in vain to get it to behave. When he was satisfied that he looked at least a little more like a living person than a dead man walking, which is how he felt, he dried his hands and set off in search of Jim’s doctor.

\-------

After a short time, Bones slipped back into the room, carrying something in a paper bag. The doctor was right on his heels.

“Hey, there, Jim, heard you took quite a spill today! I’m Dr. Holbach; how are you feeling?” It seemed to be a rhetorical question to Jim, because she didn’t wait for an answer. She pulled a hand scanner from the pocket of her Starfleet Medical uniform, passing it over various parts of Jim’s body while reading the data off the scanner above his head. After a moment, she put the hand scanner away and turned to Jim with a smile. “Well, it doesn’t seem like you hit your head, luckily for you.” She then turned and addressed Bones: “He needs just a little longer under the stimulator. Keep an eye on the patient for me, Dr. McCoy?”

One corner of Bones’ mouth twitched up in something that resembled a smile. He nodded at her, and she grinned back and swept back out of the room.

Jim lifted his head and grinned at Bones softly. His head still felt kind of fuzzy, but he was thrilled that Bones had returned.

“Bones, you’re back…”

He chuckled a little. “Hey, kid. How ya feelin’?”

“My leg itches…” Jim whined.

Bones chuckled and resumed his post in the chair beside Jim’s bed. “It’d do more than itch if they didn’t have you on that metorapan drip,” he said as he opened the paper bag. “Here, I got you something.”

Jim held out his hands eagerly, and into them Bones pushed something… cold? Jim looked down, confused. Bones chuckled again and stood. Gently, he slid his hand behind Jim’s back, lifting him into a sitting position, and crammed more pillows behind him. Now that Jim was seated upright, more or less, he could see the object more clearly: it was a lidded biofoam bowl, filled with—

“Ice cream?”

“Yep, rocky road. I took a chance and guessed you’d go for that marshmallow shit, you seem like you’d have an _outrageous_ sweet tooth. I always get ice cream for Joanna when she’s not feeling well, I figured you could use some. Here, you’ll need this,” Bones thrust a spoon into his hand.

For a moment, Jim just sat there, staring at the bowl of slowly melting chocolate ice cream. His vision grew blurry. When he spoke, his voice was husky with emotion: “Thank you, Bones…” Jim sniffled.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, are you crying?” Bones words were harsher than his tone.

“I don’t know, am I?” Jim asked earnestly, looking up at him. Bones’ scowl disappeared instantly, replaced by concern, as he reddened from the tips of his ears.

“Shit, shit, _shit_ ,” Bones muttered under his breath, glancing at the door like he might make a break for it. “Look, I know today was kinda rough, but don’t cry, okay? It’s gonna be fine,” Bones perched back on the chair anxiously, far closer to Jim’s bed than he really needed to be. He held his hands in front of him, stretched halfway between himself and Jim. He opened and closed his fingers a few times, before he heaved a sigh and slumped from the shoulders, his hands falling open in his lap.

Jim’s vision cleared immediately, and he felt his eyebrows knit together in worry. He reached for Bones’ hand, grasping it gently. His hand was very warm… that, or Jim’s was very cold. “Bones…” He looked up and met Jim’s eyes. Jim could tell he was slurring his words a little as he continued. “Today was _great._ I had so much fun with you. I’ve broken so many bones, what’s one more? But… no one’s… ever gotten me ice cream… when I didn’t feel well…” Jim took his hand back and looked down at his ice cream again, a small smile creeping onto his lips as his eyes grew misty once more.

Bones was silent for a moment, watching him. After a second, he growled a little, low in his chest, then surged forward out of his seat, wrapping his arms around Jim and holding him tightly. Jim found his head cradled gently against Bones’ chest in one of his huge hands. Time seemed to slow for Jim as he listened to Bones’ heartrate accelerating in sync with the beeping of the biobed’s monitor. Something nagged at him from the corner of his hazy mind, like he should know that that meant something… Jim lifted his arms— as slowly as he could stand, so he didn’t spook Bones again— lifted, and wrapped them around Bones back, searching for his shoulder blades with timid fingertips. When Bones didn’t move, Jim felt his hands clenching into Bones’ t-shirt, accidentally scraping his fingernails against smooth skin. Bones inhaled sharply through his nose at that, but otherwise stood stock still. With a secure grip on him, Jim leaned back just enough to look straight up into Bones’ face, searching Bones’ eyes for what was going on behind them.

As Bones dipped his chin to look at Jim, the beeping of the monitor jumped erratically. Bones looked completely drained. Jim’s hands seemed to move of their own accord, one hand clenching even tighter into the back of Bones’ t-shirt, and the other swiftly snaking between their bodies to gently skim over his unshaven jaw.

Bones froze, his eyes going wide with surprise. His face was inches from Jim’s, his shallow breaths fluttering lightly across Jim’s cheek. It was the first time he’d seen Bones without his signature scowl: his hazel eyes looked exposed and defenseless without it, and they reflected rings of gold and green under the bright lights of the medical center.

“Bones… your eyes are so…”

Jim’s voice startled Bones back to his senses. He wrenched himself out of Jim’s grasp like he’d been shocked, knocking the bowl from Jim’s lap. With Bones’ back to him, Jim could see his shoulders rise and fall with heavy breaths. Jim’s chest felt tight now… why had he done that?

“’M sorry, Bones…” Jim mumbled, but he wasn’t really sure what he was apologizing for; he felt like he’d done something wrong, but he couldn’t pinpoint what. Whatever it was, Bones was clearly furious. Jim was mortified that his eyes prickled with tears.

Bones turned to face him again, a forced smile on his lips. “’S alright, kid. Listen, you get some rest now, I’m gonna go… ask the doctor some questions.” Without another word, Bones turned and slipped out of the room, leaving Jim alone.

Jim watched the downed ice cream begin to drip onto the tiled floor and wondered to himself what the hell had just happened.

\-------

Leonard returned with the doctor a short time later. The doctor poked and prodded at the machine around Jim’s leg, fiddling with different instruments and ‘hmm’ing thoughtfully over readings. After a moment or two, the doctor announced her satisfaction with Jim’s treatment, and a few minutes after that, a medical assistant strolled in with discharge documents on her PADD for Jim to sign.

Another twenty minutes later, Leonard was pushing Jim’s wheelchair up the ramp towards the front doors of their dorm building. Officially, Jim was cleared to walk short distances, so long as he took it easy for the next week or two, but Leonard had insisted on him using the chair, at least tonight.

Neither of them had spoken much on the shuttle that had taken them back to the Academy from the Medical Center. Leonard had deliberately kept his gaze focused out the window, on the lights of the Golden Gate Bridge against the dark waters of the bay. He could feel Jim’s watchful eyes on his face again, but he didn’t dare look up to meet them.

When the two of them arrived back at their room, Jim stood up out of the chair without a word, crossing to his closet for sleepwear, then disappearing into the bathroom. Leonard changed into his own sleepwear and climbed directly into bed without brushing his teeth. A few minutes later, Jim emerged, clothes changed, and followed suit. The tension in the room didn’t fully dissipate until they were both asleep.

\-------

Jim slept most of the following day; as Dr. Holbach had said, the osteogenic stimulator may have sped up the healing process, but his body had still done most of the work. Each time Jim rolled over in bed, there was Bones, glancing up from his PADD or the holo display of his desk where he was studying, concern in his eyes. Twice that day he awoke to meals on the nightstand, which he picked at in order to avoid the glares coming from Bones’ side of the room. By around 4 pm, Jim simply couldn’t sleep any longer, although his body still felt like he’d been hit by a bus. Bones wasn’t here; Jim wasn’t sure where he’d gone or when he’d be back, but he found he couldn’t really bring himself to care. The atmosphere in the room still felt restrictive and suffocating— he had to get out for a while.

At first, Jim just wandered aimlessly around campus, not really even seeing his surroundings. His mind was playing yesterday’s events on loop behind his eyes: the way Bones’ eyes had lit up when Hannah had smiled at him, the feeling of Bones’ damp hair beneath his fingertips, Bones’ warm hands wrapped around his as his eyes fluttered closed under the effect of the sedative in the ambulance. Every time his mind showed him the split-second look of disgust that had flickered through Bones’ eyes as he’d pulled away from him in the hospital room, he felt like he’d been punched in the stomach.

Jim’s breath was coming faster now, like he couldn’t get enough air. The images conjured by his mind began to dissolve into images from his childhood: the way his mother used to flinch away from him whenever he ran to her for a hug when he was small; the look in Frank’s eyes whenever he was about to yell or throw something or hit Jim; Sam’s scowl as he told him to “go _home_ , Jim.”

Jim knew he shouldn’t walk on his leg too much; Bones would rip him a new one if he did anything to injure it further, or delay its healing. But right now, Jim didn’t particularly care, and anyway, the ache in his leg was starting to serve as a welcome distraction from the images flashing behind his eyes, faster and faster. Jim leaned into that, breaking into a jog as he left campus.

Jim ran without really seeing, he didn’t know how long. He didn’t stop until his lungs were burning and he felt like the bones of his leg were being stabbed at with red-hot knives. He stopped to catch his breath, the cold wind off the Pacific ruffling his hair and raising goosebumps down his back. As his heartrate slowed, he became aware of a rhythmic thumping reverberating through the ground under his feet. He turned toward the source of the sound: a bar, all lit up against the dark water line of the marina behind it. _Perfect._

For a Sunday evening, it looked busy; Jim could hear the cacophony of laughter and many voices over the music whenever the door opened. He flashed his ID to the doorman on his way inside, then walked straight to the bar and ordered several shots, which he downed in quick succession, and a beer. When the bartender passed him the frothy mug, he turned and surveyed the room as he sipped on the cold drink.

As Jim had grown accustomed to in bars and clubs, there were a few people scattered around the room watching him. Hmmm. Interesting… Jim drank his beer a little quicker than usual as he considered them each in turn. This certainly hadn’t been his goal when he’d left his dorm room, but now that the option seemed to be presenting itself, he had to admit that attractive strangers in bars were some of his favorite distractions…

Jim made eye contact with a tall, dark-haired man tucked into a dimly lit corner booth in the back of the bar. Not necessarily his usual, but Jim seemed to have a specific craving at the moment… Jim cocked a questioning eyebrow at the man, who beckoned Jim over with a sharp tilt of his head. Jim grinned at him, downing the last of his beer, and turned back to the bartender to order another drink before sauntering across the dance floor towards the relative quiet and privacy of the corner booth.

\-------

Jim didn’t return to the room until the early hours of the morning. Leonard was awoken by the sound of the door whooshing open as the room was illuminated by the light from the hall for a moment, perfectly silhouetting Jim’s shape against the privacy glass. Jim traipsed noisily through the room to his bed, kicking off his boots lazily in the middle of the floor and stripping out of his street clothes, leaving them flung across the room. Leonard groaned inwardly and resolved to tell Jim off in the morning, rolling over and drifting back to sleep.

But Leonard never got the chance. When he awoke only a few hours later, Jim was long gone, the room tidied and the bed made like Jim had never been there. That worried Leonard some; since when did Jim clean up after himself without Leonard nagging him? Leonard chewed his bottom lip a moment, concerned. He supposed the kid had probably slept for nearly 24 hours over the weekend after his injury, though, so maybe he just hadn’t been very tired after he got in so late. Leonard could relate to the fidgety need to clean that sometimes came with insomnia; he shrugged it off and returned to his morning routine, figuring he’d likely see Jim that evening, and could ask him how he was feeling then.

\-------

Leonard didn’t see Jim that evening. Or the evening after that, or the one after that. In fact, Leonard didn’t see Jim at all for the next week, aside from hearing him come in late at night, and seeing him still asleep in the mornings when Leonard left for the day. Leonard kept telling himself not to worry; he didn’t know the kid _that_ well, after all. For all he knew, this was actually perfectly normal behavior for Jim. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong; his gut told him there was something off with Jim, and no matter how many times he ran over it in his head, he couldn’t find a plausible explanation that didn’t revolve around something he had done. Leonard knew how narcissistic that seemed, even just inside his head, but he’d been with Jim nearly the entire day before this sudden change of routine— he was pretty sure that if something else had happened, he would’ve noticed.

Leonard spent days going through the events of that day over and over. He wracked his brain as to what he could have done to make Jim so upset that he’d start avoiding him. Surely, that’s what he was doing; wasn’t it? But rather than coming up blank for an explanation for the shift in dynamic between them, Leonard could do nothing but think of ways he could have made his friend uncomfortable: asking him about his motivations for joining Starfleet, the embrace atop the tower, falling asleep on his shoulder, the ice cream, the hospital— the list went on and on as Leonard’s anxiety spiraled farther and farther out of control.

After another week passed without much contact with Jim, Leonard finally couldn’t take the tension any longer. He’d started losing sleep: he would wake in the night panicked and drenched in sweat, with Jim’s bed still empty, echoing the empty feeling in his ribs of late. It was starting to impact his schoolwork, too: he was distracted in classes, turning in half-assed essays and lab write ups. It was making him irritable; he’d already graduated college once _and_ medical school, God dammit! He was frustrated with himself. Leonard couldn’t believe he was losing his head so much over this. But like it or not, Jim was his only friend these days, and even if Leonard couldn’t pin down what he’d done to push him away, he had to find a way to fix this, sooner rather than later.

Leonard spent that weekend making a list in his mind of all the things he could think of that he knew Jim liked. So far, it was a pretty short list: junk food, ancient western movies, adventure novels, and, evidently, making Leonard worry. That didn’t give him much to go on. _Dammit, dammit, dammit!_ What else did that childish, attention-seeking son of a bitch like?! Suddenly, Leonard realized he knew exactly what to do. He whipped out his PADD and wrote Jim a simple message: “Don’t make plans for Friday night. We’re going out. Meet me at home at 8 pm.” He took a deep breath to settle his nerves, then jabbed the send button forcefully before he could talk himself out of it.

\-------

Jim nearly choked on his drink when he read the message. He was just beginning to settle into his routine of trying to steer clear of Bones; admittedly he was exhausted from all the late nights, but at least he wasn’t thinking about his roommate’s eyes, or his lips, or the pretty blush that crept up into his cheeks… Jim shook his head vigorously, as if to clear it of that line of thought. Anyway, wasn’t this exactly what Bones had wanted? Bones was the one who’d started avoiding him first! _Bones_ was the one who’d pulled away from _him_ that night in the Medical Center; _now_ he wanted to be friends? He scowled down at his PADD, rereading the message for a second time, then a third.

Jim would rather die than admit it, even to himself, but deep down, his heart was doing cartwheels. Bones _actually_ wanted to spend time with him. Even as deep in denial as he was, Jim could feel the little thrill that raced down his spine and kicked his heartrate up a notch thinking about it. Oh, no. No, no, no. He _had_ keep on top of that. Maybe going out with Bones wasn’t a good idea. Clearly, he was barely keeping things under control as it was. But he already knew he would go— his impulse control just wasn’t that good to say no. No, better just to make sure he had sufficient… distractions in the meantime. He wasn’t sure what Bones had planned, but he wasn’t taking any chances at fucking things up again like he had that weekend.

Jim smiled a little to himself, tucking his PADD back into his pocket. He downed the rest of his drink, then grabbed tonight’s rendition of attractive brunette and dragged him out onto the dance floor. The night was still young; plenty of time for _distractions._

\-------

Friday had arrived, and Leonard was nervous. He’d received only one word in reply from Jim: “Okay.” He didn’t know whether or not to believe that he would actually see Jim tonight; it had been weeks now since he’d seen more than the top of a blonde head buried in blankets. Three weeks, to be exact. To make matters worse, his late afternoon lab had been canceled today— now he had to figure out what to do with himself in the extra two hours he would have otherwise spent on that. Thinking he could maybe get some work done if he could stop being so damn twitchy, Leonard headed back to the dorms.

Just as he was stepping off the elevator onto the third floor, up the hall, Leonard saw the door to room 371 slide open. He froze in the elevator doorway, unable to tear his eyes away. A dark-haired man Leonard had never seen before stepped out, pausing on the threshold to turn and look back into the room. Then Jim appeared in the doorway.

Leonard’s mouth went dry. He swallowed hard as he watched the two of them; Jim looked sweaty, and leaned against the door frame in only his underwear. Leonard could feel the now familiar prickle of heat creeping up his neck and warming his ears. The taller man, the one Leonard didn’t know, stood there looking at Jim a moment, then stepped closer, bending to drop a kiss on Jim’s lips. Jim looked away indifferently at the last moment, and the other man’s kiss fell instead on his cheek. Jim smiled at the stranger, a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and stepped back into the room. The door closed behind him, and the stranger started to walk back down the hall towards the elevator.

Leonard’s muscles finally responded to the voice in his head shouting for him to get out of there, to leave, to run. He didn’t understand what was happening to him as his pulse roared in his ears and his breathing came rapid and shallow. Leonard stared at the floor of the elevator, quickly losing control of his own thoughts even as he fought to analyze his reaction. Suddenly, Leonard roared like some wounded animal, surprising even himself, and his fist flew without warning into the elevator’s back wall. The mirror covering that wall shattered, sending shards of glass tinkling to the tiled floor beneath his feet. When Leonard reached the ground floor, he turned and ran from the building, not really sure where he was going, and not really caring.

When Leonard finally stopped, his feet had carried him to an isolated, wooded corner of campus. The sun was beginning to set into the Pacific Ocean beyond the bay, casting long shadows from the evergreens around him. Leonard leaned heavily against the nearest one, fighting for air. As his breathing slowed, he felt his back slide against the rough bark, and he slumped wearily to the ground. Leonard held up his right hand, inspecting it: his knuckles were shredded, and while the bleeding had very nearly stopped, his fingers were covered in rapidly drying blood. He spat a curse through gritted teeth and buried his face in his shaking hands.

Leonard had no idea what the fuck had just happened. Why should any of what he had just seen make him angry? He couldn’t explain the dying rage that still coursed listlessly through his veins, and he didn’t really have time to unpack it right now; he had to get his hand cleaned up, then try to pull himself together enough to act normally and return to the room. He couldn’t cancel on Jim this last minute without an explanation, and Leonard had always been a miserable liar.

He stayed like that for a little longer, watching the shadows lengthen across campus until his hands stopped shaking and his heartrate returned to normal. Leonard grunted and got to his feet, setting off towards the medical lab buildings where he knew he could find a spare dermal regenerator. It took him some time to reach it on foot with how far he’d run, but once he did, he made short work of his bloodied knuckles, then began the much shorter trek back to the dorm building.

He took the stairs to the third floor this time; he couldn’t bear to look at the mirror he’d shattered. When he arrived back at the room, Jim was gone. Leonard chuckled derisively through his nose: how many other people had Jim brought to the room these past few weeks when he’d been out? He quickly realized he didn’t want to think about that, shedding his cadet’s uniform and grabbing blindly for some clean clothing from his closet. He proceeded to the bathroom and into the shower. As he watched the last remnants of blood from his injured hand wash down the drain, he thought sardonically that at least he would never again mistake Jim for being straight. The thought brought a wry grin to his lips, then a small snicker. He quickly devolved into hysterical laughter that shook his shoulders. Hot tears filled his eyes, then were quickly erased by the shower as they spilled down his cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OOF, you guys still here?? Good, because it's only gonna get angstier for a while yet, but I PROMISE the ending is so fluffy it would send your dentist running, it's gonna be so worth it!
> 
> Next chapter you guys are going to see the appearance of some of our other queer, found-family faves, so don't quit on me yet! I promise everybody gets a happy ending!
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/), where I post updates about this fic!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! See you all next week for chapter five! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys have a night out! feat. lighthearted and fluffy drunken shenanigans <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Thanks to my best friend for beta reading!)
> 
> Whoo... 20k words!! We're almost halfway there!
> 
> Thank you so much to those of you who keep telling me not to worry about my update schedule... thanks to you, I have relaxed enough to release this chapter at!! 8 pm local time Sunday evening lol
> 
> It felt right to let this chapter be a little fluffier after the heavy angst of the last one. Enjoy, y'all have earned it. <3
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Leonard actually did feel a bit better after his shower. Bathing had always been something he had found calming. He avoided looking in the mirror as he dressed: he was trying desperately to avoid thinking about his rage fit of only a few hours earlier. It was harder to ignore the handful of thin, pinkish lines across his knuckles as his fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. That was unusual; his hands were always so steady. He was a surgeon, dammit. Leonard took a deep breath and tried to get his nerves under control. He had to admit the strength of his reaction scared him. Leonard had never been a violent man, at least not to anyone other than himself. Some part of his psyche knew _exactly_ why he’d reacted the way he had, but he’d rather not unpack that until, well… _never_ , if he could get away with it.

When Leonard finally emerged from the bathroom in fresh clothes, damp hair still drying in soft waves and curls, Jim was sitting at his desk waiting for him.

“Hey, Bones,” Jim grinned lazily up at him. The casual tone of his voice made something flare hot in Leonard’s gut.

“Hey,” Leonard cast his eyes to the ground, trying very hard not to sound as tightly wound as he felt. His reply was still more of a growl than he had intended.

“So, going out, huh? Where to?”

Leonard was already regretting this. Why couldn’t he have left things alone? He pulled on and laced up his boots as fast as his trembling hands could go. Now that Jim was here, the air in their shared room suddenly seemed too thin; he needed them to get out of here as fast as possible. “You’ll see,” he replied flatly, standing and heading out the door. Jim followed him without a word.

The tension between them abated some as they crossed campus and headed for the footpath across the Golden Gate Bridge. It was hard not to get swept up in the atmosphere of San Francisco on a Friday night; the city was always alive, but on evenings like this it seemed to hum with anticipation. The skyline appeared to sparkle with more lights than usual, and when the wind blew just right, they could hear music, carried to them on the breeze from the wharf and the marina district. Leonard began to relax, falling into step with Jim.

Leonard cleared his throat, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket. “How’s school going for you?”

Jim looked away rather quickly, suddenly seeming fascinated with the massive, rust colored cables holding up the bridge. “Oh, its, ah… it’s okay. Tough classes, I’m still figuring it out some, you know how it is.” He shot a grin at Leonard, but there was something in Jim’s eyes that told Leonard he wasn’t being completely truthful. _Hmmm. Not well, then._

Leonard clenched his jaw and bit back a comment about 22-year-olds needing sleep. The last thing he needed right now was to push Jim farther away. _Just relax, Leonard._ “Yeah, I know what you mean. When I was your age, I was just starting medical school— and it might be because I’m already a doctor, but I’d do that over again in a heartbeat before I’d go into the Command program.”

This time, Jim’s smile was genuine. “’When I was your age;’ God, that _really_ makes you sound old, Bones,” Jim skipped ahead a little, turning and walking backwards facing Leonard. “C’mon, what’s so bad about the Command track?”

“Jim, turn around and walk like a normal person, you’re gonna run into someone,” Leonard tried and failed to keep the smile from his face. A massive weight he’d been carrying that he hadn’t even really noticed seemed to lift, and suddenly he could breathe for the first time since earlier this afternoon. It felt so good to be bantering back and forth with Jim like this again. He felt almost giddy with relief to find that things were still fairly normal between them.

Once across the bridge, Leonard made a left and led them down a side street near the water. Down the street from them, Leonard could already see the lights from the bar they were headed to: The Bridge. Leonard held the door open for Jim as they approached, then followed him inside.

The heavy double doors opened directly into a seating area that was upscale, but relaxed. A polished tiled floor led around tables to a dark, hardwood bar on the left, and more seating on the right. The tables arranged around the space matched the dark wood of the bar, with chairs and booth seats upholstered in a rich, dark gray fabric that shimmered a bit in the low light, provided by several low hanging, gold colored lamps. In the back, there was a door marked “Officers Only”, presumably leading to a stairway to the second-floor loft, which was open on one side to the main floor below. Behind the bar was a modern, sophisticated mosaic of the Starfleet insignia, made of pieces of glass and tile in varying shades of yellow and gold that had been set into a dark concrete base. The mosaic was illuminated from behind, allowing light to shine through the transparent parts and glitter off the opaque bits.

After a quick stop at the bar to order drinks, Jim found the two of them a great seat at a booth along the back wall, not far from the stairs to the officers’ lounge. Jim slid smoothly into one side of the booth, and Leonard carefully sat on the other side. _Oh... God dammit._ Leonard realized he’d made a mistake almost immediately: facing each other like this, now he was gonna have to worry about what the right amount of eye contact to make here was! Still, he supposed it was better than sitting side by side, worrying about trying not to touch Jim too much. Leonard sighed quietly, and tried very hard to pretend that he had been listening to whatever Jim had just been talking about.

The two of them made awkward small talk as they quickly worked their way through their first round, at which point Leonard practically leapt out of his chair to go and order a second. By the time he returned with the drinks, he had started to feel a little more relaxed; that’d be the bourbon, he supposed. Conversation now flowed between them easier than before, but still not smoothly enough to get Leonard’s mind off the proverbial elephant in the room. He got to the bottom of his second drink almost as quickly as the first. Jim was right behind him— a moment later, he knocked back the rest of his drink and left to fetch round three. Leonard stared guiltily into his empty glass; he should probably slow down if the kid was gonna try to keep up with him.

When Jim finally returned with more drinks, Leonard couldn’t hold the question back any longer. He knew himself too well to not do it while he had the courage worked up; if he didn’t say it now, it was sure to come out later, and if it came out later, well… Leonard had always been told he had a talent for sticking his foot in his mouth. He cleared his throat, swallowing a fresh batch of nerves and chasing them with bourbon. “So… where’ve you been lately?” Leonard swirled the ice in his already half empty glass, watching it instead of Jim’s face. When he was quiet a beat longer than Leonard expected, he looked up. There was an odd look in Jim’s eyes: if Leonard didn’t know any better, he’d have called it uncertainty, but that was impossible. This cocky bastard? Uncertain? _Ha!_

The look vanished quicker than it had come. Jim dropped Leonard’s gaze, fidgeted with a drop of condensation on the replicated-ebony tabletop as he replied. “Oh, just… around. Busy with school. Social life…” Leonard felt his grip on his glass tighten involuntarily. “Why do you ask?” Jim finished, finally looking back up at Leonard.

“Oh. Uh… ‘cause I missed you.” Even as the words crossed his drunken lips, he felt his eyes go wide in horror. _Oh… shiiittt…_ This is why people said that thing about him having a talent. _Shitshitshitshit SHIT._ _Okay, alright, you can recover from this, Leonard, just don’t panic,_ he said to himself, gulping down more of his drink.

“Oh.” Jim replied, glancing away.

_Shit!_ “I mean, uh, just, it’s been nice to have somebody around. Jocelyn and I were together a long time before we split up, I’ve just never done well being too much alone,” Leonard chuckled hollowly. He was talking too much, he was sure of it. _God dammit._ He stared back into his glass, like it could somehow save him from himself.

“Oh,” Jim said again, “Cool, yeah, no, good... Yeah, sorry, I’ve just been busy. That, and…” Jim trailed off into his drink. He looked flushed, presumably from the alcohol. _Fuck,_ he was cute like that. _Dammit, Leonard! Get it together, you idiot!_

“And…?” Leonard encouraged, trying very hard not to crush his glass.

Jim set down his whiskey and slowly wiped his upper lip with his thumb. “ _And_ , you seemed twitchy after the hospital. I figured I’d give you some space.” Jim was staring at some spot on the wall behind him. Leonard glanced behind him, but he couldn’t figure out what Jim was looking at.

“Oh,” Leonard replied, his heart sinking. He downed the last of his drink, staring into the cup a second longer. He took a deep breath and stood, holding up and shaking his glass a little, making a tinkling sound with the ice still in the bottom. He didn’t turn around as he asked, “Same again?”

“Yeah, sure, thanks.”

Leonard was already walking away towards the bar as fast as his legs would carry him.

\-------

Jim had finished his drink quickly as soon as Bones left. He tapped at the table nervously, hoping Bones wouldn’t be back too quickly; he could feel his face burning after their conversation and needed time to compose himself. Leonard’s words echoed in his head: _Oh. Uh… ‘cause I missed you…_

_… ‘cause I missed you…_

_… I missed you…_

Jim was startled from his trance when a pair of shot glasses filled with amber liquid landed on the table in front of him. He looked up expectantly, a grin spreading across his face. It died on his lips when he was met with dark brown eyes, not hazel.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doing all alone on a Friday night?” The stranger asked. An attractive stranger… _Ah, fuck… perfect._

“Oh, uh, just waiting for my roommate, he went to get the next round.” Jim gestured at the bar, craning his neck around the man, trying to see what was taking Bones so long.

“Well, then, you have time to do a shot with me, right?”

“Uhhh, sure, I guess.” _Just one shot, no big deal._ A feeling of guilt crept over him the longer this guy stood here; Jim wasn’t sure why. He scanned the bar for Bones once more as he clinked glasses with the man, downing the shot.

“Thank you,” Jim said it like a farewell, hoping the man would take the hint.

He didn’t. Instead, the man slid into the seat beside Jim, moving in close. “So… What’s your name?”

_“ **Kirk!** ”_ someone shouted from the direction of the door to the second floor. Jim’s head snapped up, looking for the source of the voice. When he caught a glimpse of well-combed, silver hair moving through the crowd, his stomach turned. _Oh, fuuuckkkkk…_ He wished he could melt into the seat and disappear.

Captain Pike marched right up to the table, slamming his hands down onto the edge of it. “What’s this I hear about you cutting classes?” The young man seated beside Jim fidgeted uncomfortably, attracting Pike’s attention. His steely blue eyes bored straight into the stranger. “You, scram,” he ordered authoritatively with a swift jerk of the head, indicating the direction he thought the stranger should ‘scram’ in.

The young man didn’t have to be told twice. Moments ago, Jim had been trying to get rid of the guy, too; now he wished he wouldn’t leave him the sole focus of Captain Christopher Pike’s wrath.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Pike launched in right away, not seeming to care if the surrounding tables overheard. Jim’s face burned, and not just from the alcohol. “You think you can just come to the Academy, dick around like you always have, and that they’ll hand you a starship when you’re done? Are you out of your damn mind? If you wanted to keep being a fuck-up with no future, you shoulda stayed in Iowa!” Pike closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as if willing himself to calm down. When he opened them again, they seemed a little softer. “Look, Jim, I know you’re smarter than this, and I know you want this. So whatever the hell’s going on with you, get it sorted out, and _fast_ , because if I hear one more word about you cutting classes or getting failing grades, I will _personally_ kick your ass all the way back to that gigantic fucking _cornfield_ you call a state! Understood?”

“Y-yes, sir,” Jim didn’t dare break eye contact with the captain.

Pike sighed a little, stepping a bit closer to Jim and lowering his voice. “And… you know if you need anything, you can come see me, right? Your mother would never forgive me if—”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, Captain.” Jim replied formally, cutting Pike off. Now he pointedly looked away, staring blankly at the opposite wall of the high-backed booth.

Pike huffed a little through his nose, nodded once, and shoved off of the table towards the bar without another word.

\--------

When Leonard arrived at the bar, he immediately ordered two more shots, downing them nearly the second they were poured.

“Rough night?”

The voice came from behind him, and a young woman sidled up to the bar beside him. Her huge brown eyes sparkled playfully, and she had an absolutely lovely smile. Something about her reminded him of someone…

“You could say that,” Leonard grumbled, tapping his fingers against the bar as he considered ordering more shots.

The young woman looked him over for a moment. Leonard must have looked pretty damn pathetic, because the slight pout she wore had pity written all over it.

“Are you a cadet? School got you down?”

Leonard chuckled to himself dryly. “Not exactly,” he replied. “It’s… my roommate.”

“Ohhhh noooo!” The woman laughed. The way she spoke was so animated; the long, dark hair she wore pulled back in a ponytail bounced with every word. “I know what that’s like. Mine won’t stop bringing guys back to the room.” She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly.

“Huh, weird, mine either,” Leonard replied mirthlessly, glancing over his shoulder at the table where Jim sat. Sure enough, there he was, chatting with an attractive man that had wandered up to their table. That hot feeling in his gut was back.

The woman’s eyes flicked towards the back wall for only a second, then landed back on Leonard’s. “I’m Nyota,” the woman introduced herself, holding out her hand for Leonard to shake.

He took it gently but firmly, grasping it for a moment before taking his hand back. “Leonard,” he replied simply.

“So… I know it’s not my business. But… have you told him you have feelings for him?”

Leonard was so startled he choked. He coughed and sputtered for a moment before recovering enough to speak. “ _What??”_

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I’ve overstepped, haven’t I?” A slight panic appeared in her eyes, and she spoke quickly, like she couldn’t get the words out fast enough. “I’ve usually got a knack for these things, but occasionally I’m wrong; either way, that was inappropriate: we’ve just met, I’ve had a bit to drink. I’m _so_ sorry.” She took a deep breath when she finished to replenish the air she’d used to say all that and sheepishly flagged down the bartender to order drinks.

Leonard watched her for a moment. _God. Jocelyn._ Even the way she moved reminded him of her. “No, it’s okay, uhhh… you’re right, I think. I’ve just been… trying not to admit it to myself, I suppose…” Now he definitely needed another shot.

“Well, why not?”

Leonard blinked at her a second, trying to comprehend the question. As it sank in, he lowered his gaze to the knuckles of his right hand. The tight, newly regrown skin tissue shone a little under the atmospheric lighting. “I… I can’t. He’s… my best friend.” Leonard snorted a little, then amended: “My _only_ friend.”

The look of pity was back. Nyota hummed sympathetically and lightly patted him on the shoulder. It was the kind of thing that people did when they weren’t sure how to be comforting, but from this woman, it was actually soothing. “Oh, you poor thing… Listen, I don’t usually do this, but you seem sweet. Not to mention I think you _majorly_ need my advice.” A look of horror dawned on her face, and she clapped her hands over her mouth for a second, muffling her “Oh my god!” Leonard just laughed, which seemed to satisfy her that Leonard didn’t think she was being rude. “Give me your PADD,” she continued, giggling, “I’ll give you my comm code.”

No sooner had Leonard pulled the PADD from the inside pocket of his jacket than Nyota had grabbed it from him with nimble fingers, inputting her comm code with lightning speed, then handed it back to Leonard with a grin. “Let me know if you need a friend sometime.”

The two of them both looked up when they heard someone call Nyota’s name from behind her. “Ah, that’s my girlfriend, I gotta go! It was so nice to meet you, Leonard!” She shot him one more warm smile, gathered the drinks she had ordered, and disappeared into the growing crowd around the bar. Leonard sighed as he watched her go, then grabbed his own drinks and made his way back to the booth on the back wall. As he approached, he could hear someone yelling about something. Craning his neck, he could see Captain Pike leaning over the table where Jim still sat. A grin split Leonard’s face: this oughta be good. But before he could even clearly hear Pike’s lecture, he’d straightened and walked away.

\-------

No sooner had Pike left than Bones materialized, holding their next round. “I have no idea what that was about, but I think I’m gonna like him,” Bones said, chuckling lightly to himself, slurring his words a bit.

“Bones,” Jim sighed in relief. “What the hell took you so long?”

“Mm, bumped into a woman at the bar.”

Jim felt a slight pang in his chest, but ignored it, accepting his glass from Bones and taking a long drink from it. “Why, Bones, you sly dog,”

“Not like that, asshole, she has a girlfriend,” Bones replied, grinning at Jim. “She, uh, she gave me some advice.”

Jim grinned back. It was incredible how quickly he had relaxed now Bones was back. And Bones seemed to be in a much better mood than earlier, too— maybe it was a good thing he’d bumped into that woman. Things had certainly been a little tense between them of late, so it was nice for them to have finally found something comfortable again.

After another couple of rounds, Jim was starting to feel his sleep deprivation catching up with him. Bones seemed to be fading pretty fast himself, so the two of them settled their tab and headed home.

They weren’t far along the bridge when Jim noticed Bones stumbling more than usual after a night of drinking. “Hey, buddy, were you sneaking shots at the bar when I wasn’t looking?” He laughed and kept his tone light, trying to hide his concern.

“Pffft…” Bones chuckled and waved a hand at Jim dismissively, then immediately tripped over a bit of uneven walkway across the bridge. Jim barely caught him before he got a face full of pavement.

“Whoa! How much did you have, Bones?” Jim couldn’t keep the worry from his voice now, but he didn’t think it mattered much; odds were that Bones didn’t notice. Jim dragged the taller man’s arm across his shoulders and guided him to the railing along the edge of the footpath.

Bones slumped down to his elbows and gazed out over the bay. “More than usual,” was all he mumbled in response to Jim’s question. His gaze swept over the bay, observing the twinkling lights of various boats and buoys suspended in the inky waters.

Jim’s eyes stayed fixed on him, watching his face. There was something hiding behind his eyes today; well, something more than usual, at least. It made something in Jim’s ribs ache to see it.

“What’s going on with you, Bones?” Jim asked after a moment.

Bones blinked slowly, his eyes flicking upwards to take in the nearly full moon above them. He shrugged, then turned his gaze on Jim as he answered, “I could be asking you the same thing.” He was still slurring his words, but his gaze was piercing; his eyes were more unguarded than Jim had ever seen, and in them, there was an accusation.

Jim flinched slightly under the strength of Bones’ gaze. His eyes looked dark and broody in the low light, illuminated only by the moon and a handful of streetlights dotting the bridge. Jim couldn’t bring himself to deflect this time, not when he could so plainly see the hurt in his friend’s face. He cast his eyes downward, watching the waves battering the pylons below the bridge. “I… I’ve been worried that I made you… uncomfortable in the medical center. I’ve been trying to give you space, since it seemed like that was what you wanted, the way you…” Jim trailed off midsentence, his voice failing him. _No._ That would be a bit _too_ honest. When Bones didn’t respond right away, Jim looked up at him again.

Bones was gazing at the ground near Jim’s feet, his jaw slack and his mouth slightly open. He looked… surprised? His eyes flicked back and forth a second, like his brain was working very hard to process what Jim had just said.

“Bones…?”

“Hmmm?” Bones grunted, looking up. “Oh, um.” Now his eyes flicked back and forth over Jim’s face a moment, seemingly searching for what to say. Finally, his eyes landed back on Jim’s. “I suppose I probably owe you an apology, then, kid. Didn’t mean to make you feel like I didn’t want you around.” Bones voice was low and husky. He turned away and bit his lip, looking back over the bay again. His next words came slowly, like he was choosing them with great care. “Truth is… I’ve been pretty lonely without you. I, uh… don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there aren’t too many people who find me… palatable. So when I find someone who seems to, y’know, put up with me okay, I can sometimes be a little… overbearing, I suppose. It’s just, well…” he paused a moment, once again glancing up at the stars. “Shit, I’ve never talked to anyone about any of this…” He laughed dryly, dropping his head to his chest. “I, uh… I’ve only been divorced about a year, kid. It hadn’t been good with Jocelyn for a long while before that, either.

“Y’know, people need touch from other people, that’s a scientific fact,” Bones glanced up at Jim; his eyes looked glassy in the moonlight. “And since Joanna chose to leave with her mom, I... I don’t know the last time anybody touched me until you, Jim. _God,_ that sounds weird, but I mean, like, touched me at all, more than just a handshake. And you’re… the first person I’ve felt comfortable enough with to want to touch or be touched by in… God only knows how long. I’m so sorry if I overstepped that day, between the tower and the hospital and what not, really I am. And if you need some distance from me, I… guess I don’t really get a say in that. But I hope I haven’t pushed you away for good.”

Jim’s heart was hammering against his ribs by the time Bones was finished. His mind was racing, providing him with reasons why he needed to get a handle on his emotions, _now._ If Bones said was true, why had he pulled away so suddenly in the hospital? Jim had to admit his memory of that was pretty fuzzy, but the logical discrepancy nagged at him.

He stood frozen while his brain tried to reconcile this new information. Then, his hand moved of its own accord, resting itself on Bones’ shoulder. Bones’ name tumbled from his lips in a whisper, and his grip tightened.

Jim felt his breathing hitch. He didn’t feel completely in control of his body. With equal parts horror and wonder, he watched himself as he gently tugged on Bones’ shoulder. He was met with some resistance; Bones’ whole body seemed to be tense, but Jim slowly and persistently pulled him to a standing position. Slowly, carefully, like he was trying not to startle a baby bird, Jim wrapped his arms around Bones’ ribcage, watching his vacant eyes every second for even the slightest sign that Bones might want him to stop. There was none. Rather, his eyes filled with tears, spilling down his cheek as Jim pulled him in. As Jim cautiously tightened his grip around Bones’ body, he could feel the way Bones’ chest rose and fell as quickly and shallowly as his own. Bones jerkily lifted his arms and wrapped them around Jim’s shoulders. Jim rested his head against Bones’ shoulder; instantly, he could hear Bones’ heartbeat as clearly as his own, hammering in his ears. He shivered when he felt one of Bones’ hands land in his hair, stroking it gently, and his cheekbone settling gently against the crown of Jim’s head.

Jim had no doubt in that moment that Bones was thinking of his ex-wife. The way Bones held him was far too gentle to be meant for him. His common sense was screaming at him from some corner of his mind, insisting that he was in danger. But Jim wasn’t listening. Bones’ words from earlier had returned to drown out the alarm bells blaring in his head: _… missed you… missed you… missed you…_

They stood like that for several minutes, Jim shushing Bones quietly as he cried again, still just like that day atop the tower. Jim was hesitant to speak, to break whatever illusion Bones held in his head, but there was something he needed to say, needed Bones to hear.

“I’m sorry I stayed away so long, Bones. I’m so sorry. I had no idea that you felt that way. I don’t want you to be alone. I…” Jim cut himself off; he didn’t want to think about where he’d been headed with _that_ sentence. He swallowed hard. “You’re my best friend.”

Bones nodded, ruffling Jim’s hair where it lay against his cheek. His grip loosened, and Jim followed suit, taking a step back and willing his heart to _calm down_. Bones turned back to look out over the bay again, trying to be discreet about wiping his eyes and failing. Jim joined him, leaning against the railing. “It’s a beautiful city, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… beautiful.” Bones beamed as he swept his gaze across the bay to the lights of the city.

Jim grinned too, watching Bones’ face light up looking at the city. Jim thought it must have been the alcohol making him act this way— or at least he was going to blame it on that later, if asked— because against all odds, he actually felt _safe_ in this moment, in this bubble of vulnerability with Bones. Jim reached to take Bones’ hand, pausing just shy of grabbing it off the handrail. “Can I…?”

Bones turned to look at Jim, then down at their hands. For a second, Bones just stared at Jim’s hand. He was starting to think he wasn’t going to take it, when Bones grinned a little, and grabbed Jim’s smaller hand in his. “C’mon, kid, it’s really late. Let’s get you home. You need some goddamned _sleep._ ”

They walked in silence, hand in hand, for a while, listening to the backdrop of sounds from the city. Jim had given up on getting his rebel heart to stop pounding. Typical of him, not to take orders; it tickled him some to think that apparently, that applied even to orders he gave himself. Abruptly, Jim remembered something:

“Hey, did you see the broken mirror in the elevator?”

Bones stopped walking as he doubled over laughing, so hard he had to let go of Jim’s hand and brace himself against the bridge’s railing.

“What? …Bones, what?? What did I say?”

Bones only laughed harder, grabbing Jim’s hand again and leading him up the stairs towards the glowing lights of the Academy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, you can come make friends over on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! <3
> 
> (There is a possibility Chapter 6 might take two weeks instead of one; I promise it will be worth it, but I'm starting to lay some key background info for heading into the climax of the story, so I want to make sure I do it right! Please stay tuned, if there is not an update on Sunday, May 24, there will be an *extra* special one coming on May 31!)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim ends up in another bar fight, Bones fixes him up, and we learn a bit about Jim's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, did ya miss me?? :) Thank you SO MUCH for your patience on this chapter, this one is a BEAST; I truly needed the entire two weeks to wrangle it! Please mind the new tags for content warnings, as this chapter is VERY heavy, but it's well balanced with some nice fluff. <3
> 
> Also, please note that I've changed the warning status from "no warnings apply" to "chose not to include warnings"; it is in and of itself a potential warning. I didn't feel that the content of this chapter *quite* merited a "graphic depictions of violence" warning, but there is some violence in this chapter.
> 
> Please take *special* note of the past child abuse warning: it's based in the canon material that exists, and that which was cut from Star Trek (2009) before release, but it is quite heavy. Take care of yourselves, okay? <3
> 
> This time around I have a new credit to add to my acknowledgements: as always, thanks so much to my bestie for betaing, and also to [Mr_Lonely](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Lonely/pseuds/Mr_Lonely), who is now also beta reading for me! Thank you both so much for your insights, it helps me craft truly the best version of this story possible!
> 
> Alright, that's it from me until the end of the chapter, thank you so much for reading and please enjoy!!

_Dammit._

Jim couldn’t stop thinking about that _look_ in Bones’ eyes that night out on the bridge. The one that made him feel… guilty? Well… not exactly. But that wasn’t the point. The point was he felt bad. Jim had to admit to himself that maybe he had overreacted _just_ a little. After all, he really did like Bones; Jim genuinely enjoyed being around him, and that had been rare for him, historically speaking. Yes, for some reason he found himself letting down his guard around Bones, and that was sometimes… anxiety inducing. But the reality of the situation was that, in all honesty, it wasn’t like he saw Bones much during the week anyhow. And frankly, after the last several years, going out on weekends to get away from it all, to _escape,_ was more or less his entire MO. It was the one thing that felt safe, known, in all this… well, whatever _this_ was, lately.

So, he started coming home on weeknights. He had even begun to relax a little into the routine these past weeks: ‘Morning, Bones,’ on his way out the door as Bones was waking up, a hello when Bones returned home after him in the evenings, ‘G’night, Jim,’ when the bedside lamp was turned out each night. He even had the odd meal with Bones here and there, when their schedules happened to allow for it. But even these were brief, and done more or less in passing between the mountains of schoolwork piling up for them both. With midterms approaching, Jim was determined to stay focused and at least _try_ to keep his head down. He was already feeling stretched a little thin, and the last thing he needed now was to be publicly reprimanded by Pike again. His cheeks still burned when he thought of the snickering he’d heard everywhere he went for a week after that encounter.

And on weekends, he found someplace else to be, usually someplace with loud music and alcohol. He tried not to visit any one place too often— he wasn’t out to become anybody’s regular _anything._ Most nights out, he found somebody to go home with, and then left again as soon as he could politely get away with it. He never slept anyplace but his own bed; he wanted to make sure he was always being clear about his intentions.

Usually, he’d arrive back at the room he shared with Bones in the early hours of the morning, collapsing into bed still in his clothes. Without fail, he woke every Saturday and Sunday morning to a glass of water and some painkillers left on the nightstand by Bones, who was, conveniently, never there. Jim always got the sense that Bones had just left on these mornings: the smell of coffee always hung in the air, leftover from the cup Bones had at his desk each morning while reading the day’s news. Bones tended to forget these cups existed the moment they were empty; Jim invariably ended up clearing them away and returning them to the mess hall when he returned from his morning classes for lunch.

Jim had to admit the domesticity of it all was… comfortable. Why did he find that so unnerving?

Jim took another sip of his whiskey as he tried to tune back into the story that Taylor, the cute brunette who was chatting him up, was telling. _Hmmm… brunette again._ Jim was going to pretend he didn’t notice the abundantly obvious pattern his recent hookups were beginning to form. Jim smiled and nodded at what seemed like appropriate times in his story to make it seem like he’d been listening. He _really_ was trying, and he didn’t mean to be rude; it was just that the bar was loud and he was always so easily distracted.

“… And I just couldn’t believe she’d done that, it was the _funniest_ thing I’d ever seen, I mean, can you imagine?”

“Mmhmm…” Jim’s drink was almost empty. He peered down the bar, trying to catch the bartender’s attention. They were putting the finishing touches on a pair of drinks, and Jim watched as they passed them off to a man standing at the bar waiting.

And then he saw the man drop something into one of them.

Jim’s blood turned to ice. He glanced quickly around; it didn’t seem like anyone else had seen what he’d just seen. Jim shot to his feet. He knew exactly where that man’s table was— he’d passed him and his companion on the way in an hour ago. Apologizing to Taylor, he took off towards the door, weaving his way through the crowd of people in the bar as fast as possible. He _had_ to get to that table before that man did.

A moment later, Jim slammed his hands down on a table near the door, panting. “Listen to me, this is gonna sound crazy, but you can’t drink the drink this guy’s about to give you.”

The young man in the booth looked at him for a moment, stunned, then Jim watched as his gaze shifted to something behind him.

_Shit._

Jim spun around as the glasses the man had been carrying hit the tile floor with a loud _crash_. The man roared, launching a fist at Jim’s head. Jim jerked his head backward just in time— he felt a gust of air rush past his face as the man’s blow narrowly missed him. In the sudden absence of its intended target, the man’s hand and arm kept swinging, pulling the man slightly off balance. Jim took advantage of the opening, delivering a swift left hook to the man’s jaw. He swore, throwing his elbow back and catching Jim’s right temple, forcing Jim’s chin towards his collarbone. Leaning into it, Jim tucked his chin and bull rushed the man shoulder first. The man went flying into a pillar behind him, shaking dust down from the ceiling it supported. But the blow to his head had disrupted Jim’s equilibrium— he took just a second too long to recover his balance. Grabbing him by the collar, the man’s fist connected with Jim’s left orbital bone. Jim saw lights. He didn’t have time to react before the man grabbed his head and brought it straight into his knee, once, then twice. He released Jim’s head and Jim dropped to the floor, blood gushing from his nose.

After a moment, somebody picked him up off the ground. Jim tried to turn around to thank them, but strong hands pushed him towards the door. Irritated shouts followed him as he was shoved out onto the street, landing on hands and knees and spattering the sidewalk with blood from his face. Slowly, Jim crawled to the curb and spit a mouthful of blood into the gutter. Wiping the back of his mouth on his sleeve, he stood shakily. He glanced around for the man he’d been fighting, mentally preparing himself for round two, but he was nowhere to be seen. Jim was sure he’d have been thrown out of the bar, too— he must have left before the owners could call the cops. It was a smart idea; if Jim got into trouble for fighting, he’d _never_ hear the end of it from Bones. Not to mention Pike…

Jim sighed heavily at the thought of what Bones would say when he got home, and started trying to hail a cab.

\-------

By the time Jim approached the door to his dorm room, his nose and split lip had both stopped bleeding, but he couldn’t see out of his left eye because of the swelling. When the front door whooshed open, he heard Bones teasingly call, “Aren’t you early for a Friday, Jim?” Jim didn’t respond, just groaned quietly and slumped into the room.

Jim heard Bones before he saw him as he shuffled past the edge of the privacy glass. “Good _God_ , what the hell happened to you?” He was seated at his desk, directly in Jim’s path to his own side of the room. It was a good thing he’d spoken: between the low lighting, provided only by Bones’ desk lamp, and his fucked-up vision, Jim would have tripped over him if he hadn’t.

Jim gave a weak chuckle as he tried to move past Bones towards the bathroom. “You should see the other guy,” he joked. He cringed internally at how hollow it sounded.

Bones stood from his chair abruptly, blocking Jim’s way around him. “Computer, lights.”

Jim blinked against the sudden brightness as the computer promptly responded to the command. Bones grasped Jim gently by the chin, tilting his face up to inspect it closely. He turned his chin this way and that a little, trying to see Jim’s injuries better in the light, and grumbling under his breath. He released Jim’s chin with a disapproving click of his tongue, and gently grasped him by the shoulders, pushing him into the chair he had just vacated. “ _Stay there,_ Jim, let me look at you,” Bones instructed. Jim sat obediently as Bones disappeared into the bathroom. There was the _hiss_ of the faucet for a moment, then Bones stepped back around Jim’s chair and set a damp cloth on his desk. He turned to his closet, reaching to one of the upper shelves for his medkit.

Jim flinched away reflexively when he felt fingers gently touching his face. Bones withdrew his touch for a moment when Jim pulled back, a look of uncertainty on his face, then Jim felt the touch return across his cheekbone, slower and even more delicately than before. Bones carefully shone a bright light in each of his eyes in turn. He hissed through his teeth as Bones lightly prodded around his swollen eye, prying the eyelid open to examine it. Bones shushed him quietly, then Jim could hear the humming of his hand scanner as he waved it methodically around his head.

“Hmmm, nothing broken, thankfully,” Bones muttered under his breath. Bones shut off the handscanner, and then he returned his hand to Jim’s face. Jim watched his eyes, focused and intense, as his fingers traced impossibly lightly along his left brow, around his eye and across his cheekbone, and then down towards the split in his lip, stopping abruptly just short of Jim’s mouth, then lifting away. Bones closed his eyes for a moment and heaved a sigh. He turned to pick up the damp cloth, then held Jim’s face steady with a hand under the right side of his jaw as he began to dab at the blood on Jim’s face. At last, Bones made eye contact with Jim and scowled.

“ _Dammit,_ Jim…” Bones began, sighing quietly. “Do ya do it on purpose, or does trouble find you?”

“Well, I’d tell you if I thought you’d believe me,” Jim half-mumbled; the cloth was sort of in the way of his mouth.

Bones pretended not to notice. “Didn’t your mother teach you not to fight?”

Jim spit out a scornful laugh. “ _Winona?_ Nah, she, uh… she never taught me much of anything.” For a moment, an image of his mother’s face swam in front of Jim’s eyes. He gritted his teeth and tried to keep his expression even. Bones pulled away and was quiet for a moment, studying Jim’s face. Jim pretended to be very interested in a spot of blood on his jeans all of a sudden.

After a moment, Bones stood, pulling on his boots.

“Stay here, Jim, I’m gonna go borrow a dermal regenerator from the med labs and I’ll be back. Okay? Don’t go anywhere,” Bones told him, grabbing his jacket, “please.”

Jim just nodded, and then he heard the door _whoosh_ open and closed. His shoulders slumped as soon as he was alone. _Winona._ When was the last time Jim had thought about her, _really_ thought about her? After their last encounter, Jim had very deliberately shut her out of his brain; the only thing that remained most days were passing memories of visiting her here in the city, and even then, that was only because actually _being_ here again brought those memories to the surface. But he _certainly_ never thought about that house, or Frank, or Sam.

_Sam…_

Jim’s heartrate was accelerating, and his breathing came fast and shallow as he fought to stay present, _here_ , in this little room on the third floor that he shared with Bones. _My name is James T. Kirk, Cadet, Starfleet Academy, serial number SC937-0176CEC…_ Jim stared down at his hands— they were covered in blood that he hoped was his own, and they were beginning to shake rather violently.

_Fuck._

Jim unsteadily got to his feet, lurching his way to the bathroom sink and turning it on full blast. Shoving his hands under the water, Jim scrubbed feverishly at his knuckles, desperately trying to maintain his grip on reality. The images playing across his vision were starting to come faster now: the way the sun glinted off his mother’s honey-blonde hair; her smile and laugh, so beautiful but so rarely for him; the back of her uniform as she walked resolutely away from him, ignoring his urgent cries…

\-------

_Winona stood in the doorway talking to Frank, dressed smartly in her Starfleet uniform with her away bag sitting at her feet._

_“Mommy!” Jim wailed, running towards her unsteadily, as fast as his little legs could carry him._

_Winona turned to him, a stiff smile on her lips. Jim threw his arms around one of her legs, holding her tightly. “Don’t go, Mommy. I’ll be good, I promise, please don’t go.” Tears filled his eyes, making it hard for him to see as they streamed down his little, round cheeks._

_Winona took his hands, untangling them from their grasp on her leg, and knelt in front of him. Woodenly, she hugged him, then grasped him firmly by the shoulders and gently thrust him into Frank’s waiting grasp. Frank’s grip tightened threateningly around the back of Jim’s neck._

_“I’ve got to go, sweetie. You be good for Frank, Jimmy, and I’ll come home again soon.”_

_She smiled that tight-lipped smile again, ruffling his white-blonde hair awkwardly, then picked up her bag, turned on her heel, and marched towards her shuttle. Jim howled after her._

_“Shut up,” Frank hissed at him, smacking the back of his head as the shuttle doors closed behind her. Jim whimpered and watched the shuttle until it disappeared from view. Finally, Frank let go of his shoulders, and Jim crumpled into a heap there in the doorway, sobbing._

_\-------_

_“Jim! What’s taking so long in there? I’m hungry!” Frank yelled over the sound of the tv from the next room._

_Jim’s head snapped up from the book he’d been reading as panic gripped him._ Dammit! _He was supposed to be cooking dinner. There was a heavy feeling that settled in his gut as he stood slowly from his seat at the kitchen table and approached the oven. How long had it been since he’d checked on it? He’d gotten so wrapped up in his reading— he’d just gotten a new library file about Federation starships, how could he not lose himself in that?— that he’d forgotten the rest of the world even existed for a moment. Swallowing hard, he gripped the handle of the oven door tightly and swung it open._

 _Thick, black smoke came billowing out. Jim choked, his eyes filling with tears as the smoke stung them. The house’s fire alarm systems triggered almost immediately, blaring in Jim’s ears. The sound was deafening— he couldn’t see, he couldn’t_ breathe! _Jim slammed the oven door shut again and turned away from it, coughing, blinded by the tears streaming down his face._

_Suddenly, Jim felt a massive hand grip the back of his collar, lifting him a few inches off the ground._

_“You USELESS piece of_ SHIT _!”_

 _For a moment, gravity seemed to disappear as Jim’s body flew across the kitchen. The was a loud_ thunk-THUNK _as Jim collided with the kitchen cabinets, shoulders landing first, followed almost immediately by the back of his head as his body slumped to the floor. Jim’s vision swam._

 _“Is there ANYTHING you’re good at, Jimmy? Or is your mission in life just to fuck everything up?!” Jim could almost_ taste _the alcohol on Frank’s breath. “This is why your mother never comes back, you know that, don’t you? Because everything you touch, you RUIN!”_

_“That’s ENOUGH!”_

_Jim turned his head in the direction the shout had come from. His brother stood in the doorway._

Sam, NO!

 _“Some tough guy you are, beating up a defenseless little kid! He’s_ EIGHT, _Frank! Why the hell would you put him in cha— UHH!”_

_Sam’s sentence ended in a strangled sounding shout when Frank backhanded him across the face. Jim could hear someone screaming as he watched his brother fall to the kitchen floor._

_“Shut UP, JIMMY!”_

_Oh. Was he the one screaming? He must be… Jim clenched his teeth together, so tight it hurt, and sobbed silently into his hands._

_\-------_

_Jim woke to a rustling from Sam’s side of the room. Dragging his heavy eyelids open, he could see his brother standing over something he was fiddling with at the foot of his bed with his back turned to Jim._

_“What are you doing…?” Jim mumbled sleepily._

_Sam jumped and spun around. His eyes landed on Jim’s in the darkness. After only a moment, he sighed and the tension in his shoulders dropped away._

_“Go back to sleep, Jim,” he replied, turning back to whatever he was doing._

_Jim rubbed at his bleary eyes, pushing back his blanket and sitting up. He craned his neck, trying to see around his brother to what he was doing, but it was no use. When had Sam gotten so tall? Finally, Jim stood, and padded across the few feet between their beds. As he approached, he could see Sam was… packing? He had a suitcase out on the bed, and was filling it with clothing and belongings. Jim looked at it all, his drowsy brain taking longer than usual to make sense of it all. Then it clicked._

_“You’re leaving?” Jim whispered as his heart sank through the floor._

_Sam heaved another sigh as his hands stilled. He looked up at Jim, then turned and perched on his bed, patting the mattress. Jim sat beside him. He felt like he couldn’t breathe._

_“I can’t take Uncle Frank anymore, Jimmy. Winona has_ no _idea what he’s like when she’s not here.”_

_“Please stay,” Jim choked out through his throat tightening up, his voice cracking._

_“I_ can’t _, Jim. If I have to stay here one more day, I’ll—” Sam cut himself off, gazing out their open window for a moment. “I’ve gotta get out of here.”_

_“Then take me with you,” Jim begged, wrapping both of his arms tightly around one of his brother’s, tears beginning to spill down his cheeks._

_“Jim, you gotta think logically about this: I’m 14. I can pass for old enough to try and get a job, take care of myself. But you’re still just a kid; I can’t take care of us both.” He snaked one arm around Jim’s shoulders, pulling him in close and rocking his small frame back and forth gently. Sam had always done this, ever since Jim was small, whenever he was frightened or upset. Something in Jim broke a little thinking that this may be the last time his older brother, his best friend, would hold him like this._

_“Please, Sam,” Jim’s voice was less than a whisper._

_“Shhh… You’re gonna be okay, Jimmy. You always are. You always do everything right: getting good grades, trying to be good even though Frank is—” Sam cut himself off again, swallowing hard. “But there’s no way this is what Dad would have wanted for us; there’s gotta be something better than this out there. And I have to go find it.” Jim felt Sam’s hold on him loosen and disappear as he stood, zipping up the suitcase. Sam sighed once more, raking both hands through his dark blonde hair. When he turned back to Jim, his eyes shone with unshed tears._

_“I’ll come back for you as soon as I can; I swear I will, Jimmy.” Sam dropped his gaze to the floor, and without looking at Jim, he carried the suitcase to the open window and pushed it out. It made a muffled_ thump _noise in the long grass just a few feet below._

_Sam looked back at Jim again. Jim furiously blinked the tears from his eyes, trying to memorize his brother’s face in this moment. Sam offered him a sad half-smile, then lifted himself until he was seated in the window, gently grasping the frame above him with one hand._

_“I’ll see ya, Jim.”_

_Sam slipped out the window and was gone._

_\-------_

_Jim slipped quietly through the kitchen door, shutting it softly behind himself. It was nearly two a.m.; the last thing he wanted was to wake Frank at this hour. He turned the deadbolt, then lifted the chain hanging next to the door to latch it up as well._

_“Jim.”_

_Jim nearly jumped out of his skin, dropping the chain to clatter against the door and wall as he spun around. His mother was seated at the kitchen table._

Shit. _“What are you still doing here? Don’t you have someplace more_ important _to be?” Jim barely kept the snarl from his voice._

_Winona looked up from the empty glass she cradled in her hands and fixed him with a steely-eyed gaze. “What, like my son’s high school graduation?” Jim felt his chest burn with shame, but he refused to look away. She held Jim’s gaze a moment longer, then dropped it, reaching for the half-empty bottle of whiskey on the table to refill her glass. “Where were you today?”_

_“Does it matter?” Jim turned away from her, crossing to the cabinet by the sink to fetch himself a glass. Winona hummed quietly into her own glass in response as Jim joined her at the table. She pulled the whiskey away from Jim when he reached for it, shooting him a disapproving glare._

_Jim scowled back and stood, extending his reach, and grabbed the bottle from her anyway. Settling back into his seat, he poured himself a generous amount of the amber liquid, earning him a raised eyebrow from Winona._

_Jim rolled his eyes. “I’m eighteen, now, Winona; what do you even care?”_

_Winona flinched like he’d slapped her; Jim had never called her by her first name before, at least not to her face. “I care because you’re my son.”_

_“What, like that’s ever mattered to you before?” Something new was burning in Jim now, something feral and menacing; he took a large gulp from his glass, hoping to drown it out with the burn of alcohol. Winona watched him in silence. Jim lowered his voice, speaking more into his glass than to his mother, “Like it mattered to you when Sam left?”_

_Winona’s graying brows sprang together into a scowl that matched Jim’s perfectly. “That’s not fair and you know it,” she hissed. “I came back as quickly as I could; it’s not my fault the_ Saratoga _was halfway to the Gamma Quadrant by then.” There was a sharp note in her voice that Jim had never heard before._

_The whiskey wasn’t helping the fire growing in Jim’s belly; if anything it fanned the flames even higher as it hit his empty stomach. “But you didn’t have to be on it! You could have been here, with your sons that you claim to love so much. You could have been HERE!” Jim slammed his fist into the table, making the whiskey bottle shake._

_“Let’s be adults about this, Jimmy,” Winona seethed, the color rising in her cheeks._

_“Adults?” Jim barked out a laugh. His blood was boiling. “Y’know, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this since I last saw you; why_ don’t _we talk like adults_ _for once? Why don’t we talk like_ adults _about the fact that you never came home because you can’t even_ LOOK _at me without thinking of Dad?” Jim was shouting now. He knew he’d wake Frank, but he had long since passed the point of no return. Jim shoved off against the table and stood, knocking his chair to the floor. “Yeah, let’s be_ ADULTS _about this, Winona! YOU_ LEFT _US! YOU_ LEFT _SAM AND ME IN THIS FUCKING_ HELLHOLE _, LEFT US TO BE RIDICULED AND_ TORTURED _BY FRANK, ALL BECAUSE I REMIND YOU TOO MUCH OF WHAT YOU LOST THAT DAY! SO SAM TOOK OFF, AND NOW_ NOBODY’S _HEARD FROM HIM IN_ SEVEN YEARS _! NONE OF US KNOW IF HE’S EVEN_ ALIVE _! HUH, WINONA? HUH? What’s your fucking ADULT response to that?!”_

 _Winona trembled, her eyes filling with tears. Jim wanted to scream; how DARE she sit there and play the victim! Jim’s shoulders heaved with the force of his breath, his hands clenching into fists. He wanted to yell some more, to throw something, to make Winona_ understand _._

 _Just then, Frank appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. Before he even had a chance to speak, Jim rounded on him, roaring. “YOU STAY THE_ FUCK _OUT OF THIS, FRANK! THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!” Jim felt a small measure of satisfaction at the way Frank cowered at the force of his rage._

 _Jim took a couple of deep breaths, trying to fight off the blackness encroaching on the edges of his vision. He shot one last look at Winona. “And don’t you EVER call me ‘Jimmy’ again,” he growled. Then he turned, stepping over his felled chair towards the door. Jim grasped the handle and yanked with all his might— the door didn’t budge._ FUCK. _He’d forgotten about the deadbolt. He fumbled with it with shaking fingers, then threw open the door and slammed it shut behind him, hard enough to rattle windows on the second floor._

_Jim scooped up his helmet as he ran across the lawn, shoving it onto his head and mounting his bike. He hit the ignition and the bike roared to life beneath him. Kicking it into gear, Jim gunned it, leaving that miserable little house behind in a cloud of dust._

_He deliberately didn’t look in his rearview until the house was no longer in view._

_\-------_

Somewhere, through the haze of images playing before his eyes, Jim faintly heard the door to the room hiss open and closed.

“Jim?”

Bones was back. Startled back to some semblance of reality, Jim was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings again; he was curled up in the corner of the bathroom, his knees in his chest and his head against a tiled wall. He could hear some kind of hissing noise coming from the sink above his head… what was that? His hands rested, open and palms up, on his knees. There was still a bit of blood on one of them. Is that why he’d been staring at them? Jim slowly curled them into fists, clenching them in an attempt to stop their violent trembling.

“Jim!”

He looked up when he heard his name. Bones stood in the doorway, eyes darting around the room, taking in the situation. Jim blinked, and suddenly Bones was kneeling on the floor in front of him, grasping Jim’s wrist between his thumb and first two fingers of one hand. “What happened, kid?” Bones other hand was in his hair, gently brushing it out Jim’s eyes with his thumb.

“ _Bones_ ,” his voice was barely a whisper. Jim wanted to look up and meet Bones’ eyes, tell him he needed _help_ , but he couldn’t make his body cooperate.

“Can you stand, Jim?”

Jim could only shake his head in response.

“Okay, hang tight a minute,” Bones stood, shutting off the sink before moving around to Jim’s side. He crouched down, gently placed his strong arms under Jim’s knees and shoulders, and scooped Jim into his arms, as smoothly as if he were a child. Jim hadn’t realized the rest of him was shaking just as fiercely as his hands until he could feel the steadiness of Bones’ arms around him. Bones stood slowly, careful not to overbalance with Jim’s smaller frame in his arms. Moving carefully and steadily, he carried Jim to his bed, sitting him up against his pillows.

“Geez, kid, you’re freezing,” Bones joked lightly, tugging Jim’s blanket up to his chest. Bones leaned over him, one hand still touching Jim’s arm lightly. For once, he wasn’t scowling; instead, his brows were knit with concern. “You comfy?”

Jim’s fingers found the hem of the blanket, fidgeting with it as he nodded.

Bones nodded back, squeezing Jim’s arm a little as he straightened and crossed the room to fetch his medkit. A moment later, he was back, settling into his desk chair beside Jim’s bed. He popped open his medkit and pulled out his handscanner, which hummed as he waved it around Jim’s face and body. “Can you speak, Jim?”

Jim cleared his throat, testing his voice. “A little,” he murmured.

“Great,” Bones replied, a grin tugging at one corner of his mouth. “Think you can hold something for me?”

“Mmhmm,” Jim hummed affirmatively.

The humming from the scanner stopped as Bones took his hand, gently turning it palm up, then plunked something small and cool into it. “What can you tell me about that, Jim?” Jim looked up at him, confusion written on his face. Bones’ face spread slowly into a warm smile. “Go on, Blondie, tell me what you’re holding.”

Jim looked down at the object in his hands. It was… “A toy starship?”

“Yep,” Bones replied. “Joanna gave me that when I last saw her. She said her mom helped her pick it out when she heard I was enlisting. Said she didn’t want me to be afraid of the stars.” He turned towards the nightstand, replacing his handscanner and reaching instead for his hypospray, searching for a moment before he found the correct medication to load into it. “What kind of starship?”

Jim looked at it a little closer. He’d know that shape anywhere: “Constitution class.” Jim’s voice was a little stronger now. He turned the toy over in his hands, examining it from every angle. It was heavy for its small size, only about three inches long from end to end.

“Mmhmm,” Bones confirmed. “Quick hypo, Jim; this is a mild sedative, it’s gonna help you feel less jittery, okay?” Jim nodded, and Bones deployed the medication into his shoulder. Jim felt the tension in his body begin to melt away almost instantly. As Bones turned back to his medkit once more, replacing the hypospray and grabbing the dermal regenerator he’d just fetched, he directed Jim’s attention back to the toy in his hands. “Notice anything special about it, kid?”

Jim turned back to the toy, fingers running over its smooth surface. “Polished, not painted...” His fingers found the edge of the saucer portion, surprising him when it shifted under his grip. “The saucer spins,” he said, a small grin slowly creeping up his face.

Bones beamed at him as he began to slowly and methodically move the reddish beam of the dermal regenerator across the cuts and bruises on Jim’s face. Jim’s skin tingled as flesh knitted itself back together, and his vision became clearer as the swelling around his eye slowly disappeared. “Thought you’d like that,” Bones chuckled. “What else?”

Jim ran his fingers down the tiny nacelles, marveling at the detail this toy was crafted with. There were tiny lines etched into the model’s hull, imitating the individual sheets of metal welded together to form the hull of the real thing. The saucer was printed with a faux Federation registry number: _NCC-1234_. He turned the ship upside down, examining its belly. Instantly, he spotted a tiny silver button in the center of the saucer on this side. Eagerly, he pushed it, and the ends of the nacelles and the center dome on the top side of the saucer glowed a bright blue.

“Alright, kid, you’re all patched up,” Bones said, standing and putting away his medkit. He replaced his chair at his desk, then turned back and offered Jim his hand. “Think you can stand?”

Jim nodded once more and set the toy starship on the nightstand, kicking off the blanket and allowing Bones to help him swing his feet to the floor. Bones grasped his thumb firmly in one hand and used the other to grip just above Jim’s elbow as he helped him gently to his feet. Bones didn’t let go right away once he was standing. His body was warm against Jim’s. “How are you feeling?” he murmured.

Jim couldn’t bear to meet the intensity of Bones’ gaze. “I’m okay now,” he replied, taking half a step back from Bones and glancing away. Bones released him instantly; Jim shivered in the sudden cold. “Just, uh, a little lightheaded.”

“That’s the axonol; common side effect,” Bones had taken a step back, allowing Jim to step out from between the beds. “Can you walk?”

Jim took a couple of unsteady steps forward, then a few more around the room, each one a little more confident than the last. “Yeah, just gotta take it slow,” Jim sat back down on the edge of his bed, beginning to feel incredibly awkward about what to do now that he was patched up. Every time he’d lost it like that before, he’d weathered it by himself. Jim had never known any other way; he hadn’t had anyone to rely on but himself since Sam left. Time and time again, every person Jim had ever had in his life had taught him to hide all feelings, all weakness, because if you didn’t, those people would exploit them to hurt you. And not just you, but the people you loved. They’d use them as an excuse to leave you. Better just not to trust anyone, he’d learned after a while. Yet, Bones had just found him at the very depths of that particular spiral and had not only helped him through it, he was still _here_ … Jim couldn’t seem to figure out what he usually did with his hands.

Bones tossed his shoes and jacket at him, startling him from his reverie. “Great, because we’re going out.” He was holding some blankets under one arm; what were those for?

“Bones, are you serious? I don’t wanna go anywhere, my, uh, my face still hurts,” Jim finished lamely, but Bones was already halfway to the door. “Bones! Dammit, wait!”

Bones waited beside the door while Jim pulled on his shoes and jacket, then they left together and walked down the hall to the elevator. Jim reached to push the button for the first floor, but Bones stopped him, catching his hand just shy of the control panel. He grinned at Jim, then directed his finger instead to the button for the top floor.

Jim looked up at him, confused, and gently pushed the button. “Where are we going?”

Bones took eyes off the floor numbers on the display above the door for only a moment, flashing Jim a crooked grin. “You’ll see, kid; you’ll love it.”

Jim stood quietly, watching Bones watch the floor numbers climb higher and higher. Finally, the doors slid open and the elevator announced that they had arrived on the 15th floor. Bones grabbed his hand; suddenly, Jim felt lightheaded from more than just the sedative. But then Bones stepped out of the elevator and started down the hall to their left, gently tugging Jim behind him. Partway down, he stopped in front of a door that led to…

“The _stairwell_? Bones, what is this? C’mon, I’m tired,” Jim said, tugging his hand away. He wouldn’t look at Bones. He _couldn’t_ look at him. Not after how Bones had just seen him.

“Jim.”

Jim reluctantly looked up when Bones stopped after saying his name. His usual scowl was conspicuously absent.

“You trust me, don’t you?”

Jim bit his lip, fighting the urge to break eye contact. After only a moment of hesitation, he nodded.

A smile tugged at the corners of Bones’ mouth. He nodded once, offered Jim his hand again, which Jim took, and led him through the door, then _up. The roof?_

At the top of the single, final flight of stairs was a door that led out onto the green-roof garden. Considering it was a Friday night, it was unusual that a place like this was vacant, but the weather had turned colder these past few days; Jim figured that was probably why.

“Bones, it’s cold as hell out here,” Jim griped, shivering. He could see his breath in the humid cold from off the bay.

“I know; that’s why I brought not one, but _two_ blankets,” Bones grinned at Jim over his shoulder as he began to spread one of the blankets in the middle of the lawn. Settling down onto one, he patted the ground beside him, and Jim sat. Bones immediately enveloped him in the other gigantic blanket he’d brought.

Bones flopped over onto his back, looking up at the sky. Jim followed his gaze; it was a remarkably clear night, which was unusual for the Bay Area.

“Wow,” Jim breathed.

“Right? Pretty good for a big city, huh?” Bones chuckled to himself.

Jim nodded in agreement. He’d been keeping himself so busy since he’d left Iowa a few months ago that he suddenly realized he had never bothered to look up at the stars here. They certainly weren’t as impressive as the night sky at home: in rural Iowa, on a clear night, you could see the different colors of the Milky Way galaxy’s nearest arm.

Jim looked around at the rooftop: it was well landscaped, with a hedge of rose bushes around the edge, and a few larger trees here and there. “I had no idea all this was even up here,” he said, gesturing vaguely at the gardens around them.

Bones lifted his head off the blanket and glanced around at what Jim was talking about. “Yeah, pretty nice, right? I come up here a lot when you’re not around,” Bones let his head flop back to the ground. “Hey, you see that star there, the reddish one?”

Jim looked where Bones was pointing. “That one there? Arcturus?”

Bones beamed up at him, nudging him gently in the ribs with his elbow. “You would know its name, wouldn’t you?” he chuckled. “Anyway, it’s my favorite. Has been since I was little.” Bones was quiet for a moment, before turning to Jim again. “You got a favorite constellation or anything, kid?”

Jim shrugged, leaning his head back again to gaze up at the stars. “I dunno. I’ve always liked tracking the planets. That was something Sam and I…” Jim trailed off, images starting to flash behind his eyes again.

Bones sat up onto his elbows, watching Jim’s face. “Hey,” he began slowly, “I know you may not want to, but… you know if there’s ever anything you need to talk about, I’m here for you. You know that, right, Jim?”

Jim took a deep breath and flopped down onto the blanket beside Bones, his arms extended out above his head so his fingers could trail in the grass. He was quiet for a moment as he chewed on the words, and Bones waited patiently for his response. “I guess I’m just remembering… all the stuff I left behind.”

Bones nodded sagely, lowering himself back to the ground as well. “Yeah. I know what that’s like. And sometimes it’s stuff that left you behind, too,” Bones spoke quietly, as if he didn’t want anyone to overhear them, even though they had the rooftop to themselves.

Jim swallowed hard around the lump in his throat, tears springing to his eyes at Bones’ apt choice of words. “Yeah. That too.” Jim sighed heavily. Bones said nothing, seemingly waiting for him to continue. Finally, Jim couldn’t take the silence any longer: “It’s just… my mom wasn’t around much, growing up. After my dad, she…” Jim chewed his lip, choosing his words carefully, “she was never the same. Or at least that’s what they tell me. Obviously, I wouldn’t know. Anyway, my brother, Sam, and I were mostly raised by her brother. She was off-world a lot, and when she did visit she never stayed for long.”

A single tear dripped from Jim’s lashes as he continued. “Frank was _awful_ to us, especially Sam. When I was 11, he ran away; I never saw him again.

“That’s what pisses me off the most, y’know? Maybe I deserved the way my mom neglected me: I’ve always been a little shit, and I know she hates me because of what happened with Dad.” Jim didn’t even try to hide the tears now leaking from the corners of his eyes, wiping them away as they dripped down his temples before they could reach his ears. “But Sam didn’t deserve any of that. Sam always took care of me, and now,” Jim bit back a sob, “I don’t even know if he’s alive.”

Bones heaved a sigh beside him. “Um. I hope this isn’t weird but… do you want a hug?” he asked, slowly extending the arm nearest Jim towards him. For a second, the backdrop of stars gave way to an image of Sam’s sad smile as he’d disappeared out their bedroom window. Jim choked down a whimper, scooting closer to Bones. He carefully laid his head on Bones’ shoulder, and a second later, Bones’ strong arms wrapped tightly around him as Jim’s tears began to flow in earnest.

“Dammit, kid…” Bones voice sounded raspy and deep. “You didn’t deserve _any_ of that, okay? In case no one’s ever told you that, you didn’t deserve a single damn bit of all the fucked up shit that’s happened to you. It is _not_ your fault your mom left you and your brother. I don’t know all the details, and I don’t need to. But none of what she put you through was because of you, alright? That was because something was broken in her. What happened to your mom and dad was horrible, and frankly I can’t blame your mother for never fully recovering. But it was her job to take care of you, and she didn’t do that. I am _so_ sorry, Jim,” Bones growled into Jim’s ear, his grip around Jim’s torso tightening slightly. A shiver ran down Jim’s spine at the breath lightly ruffling his hair.

Jim sniffled a little, pulling back just a little from Bones’ grasp. Bones’ grip loosened, and Jim reached up to wipe at his eyes. “It doesn’t matter, anyway. Sam left me too; he promised he’d come back for me, and he never did. I don’t know whether to hope he’s alive out there somewhere or not.” Jim’s eyes flickered back up to the stars spread out above them.

“Shhh,” Bones soothed, rubbing one of Jim’s arms. “You’re not there anymore. I’m not gonna tell you none of it matters, because it does. You’re made up of little bits of everything that’s ever happened to you, good and bad. But there’s a lot more good than bad ahead of you now, kid; you’re smart, you’ve got guts, you work hard. You’re gonna be more than okay, alright? You’re gonna be _great_ , if you can stop picking fights long enough to convince the brass to put you in charge of a giant flying death machine,” Bones murmured, a note of laughter in his voice. “At any rate, tonight you’re up here, looking at the stars and putting up with my sorry ass; you’ve left all that other stuff behind you. The skeletons in your closet may be spooky, kid, but they can’t hurt you anymore.”

Jim nodded against Bones’ shoulder, fresh tears dripping past his lashes again. A warm, heavy feeling had settled softly into his chest. He felt as though a weight had been lifted from him, a weight he’d been carrying so long he’d forgotten what it felt like without it. Bones shushed him quietly, soothingly as Jim’s tears eventually slowed.

Jim’s eyelids suddenly began to feel very heavy. That was the sedative, too, he supposed. He half-listened as Bones transitioned to distracting him again, pointing out this constellation and that star, telling him stories and facts about them. Jim’s eyes slowly drifted shut, lulled by the soothing timbre of Bones’ voice.

Just as he was drifting off, Jim felt the scruff of Bones’ jaw graze along his brow bone. Bones’ breath fluttered his hair again, then there was a moment of gentle pressure from something soft just above his eye. When the pressure lifted, it left behind a spot of cool, moistened skin that tingled in the night air. Jim sighed contently, and then he was asleep.

\-------

Jim breathed in deeply and rolled over, his eyes fluttering open. He felt rested in a way that he hadn’t in a _very_ long time. Late morning sun streamed through the high windows of the room, casting little squares of light onto the floor. Jim stretched and grinned lazily. Eagerly, he glanced at the nightstand to see if Bones had left him his usual Saturday morning prescription.

Jim stared at the nightstand, blinking for a moment in confusion. There was no glass of water, and no little white tablets left on one of Bones’ clean handkerchiefs. _Coffee…?_ Hadn’t Bones told him off that time for drinking too much caffeine after a night of drinking?

Slowly, the memories of the previous night filtered back into Jim’s brain. He groaned in horror, pulling the covers up over his burning cheeks. Thank God Bones wasn’t here right now. Jim wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to face him again.

After indulging his humiliation for a moment, Jim sat up and kicked back his blankets. Brushing his unruly hair out of his eyes, he reached for the coffee Bones had left him. To his pleasant surprise, it was still hot. Jim chuckled and shook his head. How had Bones managed that?

Jim finished his coffee quickly. He wasn’t sure where Bones was getting his coffee, but Jim could have _sworn_ this cup was lightyears better than the coffee served in the mess. After showering and dressing, Jim reluctantly sat down to his desk to get to work: he had an important midterm coming up in his Interspecies Ethics course, and he had a point to make to Pike. Signing into his workstation, Jim noticed the unread message icon blinking at him from one corner. Curious, he opened it.

It was from Bones. There was no message, just a rough stick figure drawing of a person firing a phaser at a pair of skeletons. The person in the drawing had been labelled “JIM” in Bones’ scrawling handwriting.

Jim broke into a smile so wide it made his cheeks hurt, and his eyes prickled sharply for a moment. He saved the message, then got to work.

\-------

That evening out, Jim found himself in an odd mood. He’d managed to avoid overthinking last night’s events all day by pouring himself into his studies. But without school as a distraction, Jim was finding it difficult now to think of anything else. It was beginning to irritate him; this was _not_ what he came out for! He needed a new distraction, and _quick_. Slamming back four more shots in quick succession, Jim set out for the dancefloor to find himself one.

Twenty minutes later, Jim was sitting on the sink of the bar’s bathroom with a stranger’s tongue in his mouth. Jim panted into the stranger’s mouth as his hands roamed over Jim’s body. He nuzzled fiercely across Jim’s cheek to his neck, nipping at the sensitive skin of his throat. Something stirred in Jim at the sensation of warm breath on his ear… Jim felt his fingers tighten in the stranger’s hair, pulling him up and locking their lips together once more. Jim could _swear_ the stranger’s lips suddenly tasted exactly like the cup of coffee Bones had left for him this morning. _Bones…_ Jim imagined that he would probably taste like coffee too, the kind with just a little whiskey in it to warm you up on cold mornings in the middle of a hard Midwestern winter. Tugging gently on the stranger’s hair to expose his throat to Jim’s mouth, Jim imagined the sort of sounds Bones might make if Jim wound his fingers through _his_ hair, sucked and nipped at _his_ neck. Jim could almost believe that if he opened his eyes right now, those deep hazel-green eyes would be there, dark with desire, pupils blown wide, gazing back at him…

 _You’re gonna be more than okay, alright? You’re gonna be_ great…

Jim pulled away from the other man abruptly, breathing heavily at the ache that had just lanced through him as Bones’ voice echoed in his head.

“Everything okay?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I’m uh… I’m great.” Jim’s eyes darted frantically around the room as he tried to make sense of what had just happened. “But I think I… I think I have to go.” Jim offered the other man a sheepish grin. The other man looked confused, and maybe a little stung. “It’s not you! I swear, it’s not, you’re great. I just… there’s something I have to do.”

Jim pecked the stranger affectionately on the cheek and hopped down off the sink, almost tripping over himself as he ran from the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! Me again, I just have a few announcements now that you've finished the chapter!
> 
> I am tossing out my publishing schedule; it's getting too difficult to maintain with school, and while I can (maybe) drive myself into the ground by pumping out 5k words a week anyway, with the addition of Mr_Lonely to my... idk, can I call us a publishing team?? Anyway, I simply can't in good conscience hold anybody else to my breakneck speed. I will probably still be writing about 3-5k words a week, my pace won't slow there, so don't worry! This just means that it probably won't be regularly every Sunday, like it was for the first five chapters. So if you're not subscribed to get updates when I post, and you'd like to be now my schedule is going out the window, there is a button for that at the top of the page, I believe. :)
> 
> The second is that, after storyboarding this chapter, I have a *tentative* final chapter count of 12! which would mean we're now halfway there! This number may change, but it feels pretty set for me at this point. 
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at [@t-hoe-s](https://t-hoe-s.tumblr.com/)! 
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who's following along and commenting and leaving kudos: you people are keeping me going when this gets difficult to write! I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are looking forward to chapter seven as much as I am!
> 
> Okay, that's all from me, thanks again! See you again soon! <3


	7. Ch. 7 Teaser and Author's Note, 1/29/21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Just a quick note to say this isn't the final version of the chapter, and I'm still working on it, but I've felt simply awful about how long this fic has been on hiatus, so I wanted to post a lil teaser for what I've been working on! I hope you enjoy and that it gets you excited for what's still to come, here! Thanks for reading!)

Jim stumbled from the bar, nearly tripping as he stepped to the curb and pulled out his PADD to order a ride back to the Academy. He had to get back there, had to find Bones, had to tell him…? Tell him what, exactly? Jim had definitely had too much to drink tonight. What was he even doing? He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him. He took a step back from the curb and pocketed his PADD, weighing the idea of returning to the bar and seeing if that guy was still in the bathrooms. On the other hand, if he couldn’t get a person out of his head when he was with another person… maybe he should try to forget the whole thing and just go home? Maybe he wasn’t well…? Certainly, the effort of trying to force Bones out of his head was making him nauseous...

Just then, his PADD chimed in his pocket, alerting him to an incoming call. Jim grunted, pulling the thing roughly from his back pocket, and then groaned at the display in disgust. _Winona??_ What the fuck did _she_ want? Jim scoffed, swiping the incoming call away and jamming the PADD back in his pocket. Now he _definitely_ wanted another shot. He took a step back towards the bar, but was interrupted when his comm rang a second time. This time, he positively growled when he saw Winona’s name and contact photo once again lighting up its screen. He silenced the device, jerking open the outer door of the bar’s entryway, when he felt it vibrate against his buttocks.

Snarling, he released the door’s handle, swiping the call through, and snapped, “ _WHAT?”_

Jim froze when he saw Winona’s face streaked with tears, her eyes puffy and red like she’d been crying for hours. This wasn’t what gave him pause, though—no, he’d seen this act often enough in the last few years not to be phased by it. He froze, face mid snarl, as recognition of the painting on the wall behind her hit him. She was _home._ Not his home, obviously— Jim hadn’t considered that place home since Sam left. But _her_ home, the house where he had lived with his brother and Frank for so many years. Jim hadn’t even known she was planetside again. He was stunned, not because he cared when Winona came and went, but because her being home was… unusual.

Winona was wailing something at him, but it was like he couldn’t hear her. In his drunken state, he felt like his head was underwater, everything seeming somehow far away and disconnected from himself. His body felt odd... He felt like he was outside of himself, somehow, watching the scene unfold as though he was a bystander on the street. He tried to speak, but his voice failed him at first. Clearing his throat, he managed to choke out, “What did you say?”

Winona’s voice was barely above a whisper: “They found him, Jim. They found Sam.”

\-------

_Now just a little note from me, the author! :)_

_Hi y'all! Have you missed me?? I know I've been missing this story. I don't have a lot of time to work on it these days, unfortunately- between trying to get through school, coming out as trans last year and starting my transition, and the on-going stress of trying to get disability benefits, my plate is pretty full. I want everyone who's been following this story to know that I *am* still committed to finishing this fic. It's just that I can no longer commit to a certain deadline to have it finished. It could be done in a few months, it might take me the rest of the year, or it may take me longer._

_I'm so grateful for all the nice folks leaving me comments and messages of support- I'm beyond thrilled that I have readers at all, let alone such nice and supportive ones as y'all have been. When I started this fic, it began as just a little headcanon that ended up being in chapter...? Two, I think? Anyway, this story quickly took over, almost writing itself in some places, it's seemed. It still consumes me, a bit, having this story inside that I feel I really want to tell. This story has become really personal for me, an outlet to explore some of my own traumas and scars from over the years, and it just means so much to me that people want to read it. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart, for engaging with this fic. You all have had a major role in helping this story come to life, in that I don't think I'd be as motivated to finish it without knowing there are people who so want to see this story through to its conclusion. And as I said, this story has become very personal to me, it's a labor of love. So thanks for coming here, staying with me as I tell it, even when I can't give you lovely people any sort of expectations around when I'll post. You all keep me invested, and it fills me with joy and humility that others are also invested in this silly little thing that has taken over my living space and every available writing surface with its clutter and madness._

_I'm so excited about the prospect of finishing this, bit by bit, for however long it takes. Thanks again for coming along for the ride- you folks are amazing!!_

_Much love from me to you,_

_Caelum (CJ) <3_


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